Whale Wednesday's Triumphant Return

So the always controversial Whale Wednesday is back despite PETA's best efforts to shut me down. Luckily through my limitless connections I've managed to obtain another whale interview, and I'm very excited about this one. It happens to be with the biggest, baddest mother fucker ever to roam the 7 seas(Why are there 7? That seems like too many. Are they counting the great lakes too cause I don't think those are seas? Someone contact me if you have info about this) . Anyway, this guy is a straight up badass and will rip you apart if you even look at him the wrong way. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PLEASE WELCOME THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, THE THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER, THE BIG CHEESE. THE GRANDADDY OF THEM ALL. REX THE BLUE WHALE!!!! BYAH!


Rex: Whoah, haHA! Thanks for having me Patrick
Me: Pleasures all on this side big guy, thanks for coming. You're looking fucking huge!
Rex: Oh well you know, just doin my thing.
Me: No seriously, do that thing where you jump out of the water. Just do it.
Rex: Oh well I dunno really, it's not that exciting, I mean...okay!

Me: Fucking rad! You are the man Rex! Boof!
Rex: No, Patrick, you da man! Cha Ching!
Me: I'm completely soaked.
Rex: That's what she said. Hey ohhhhhhh!
Me: Bang!
Rex: Kaboom!
Me: Continuing on, how much would you say you weigh, Sexy Rexy? If you don't mind my asking?
Rex: No not at all, Patman. I am 92 feet long and weigh around 182 tons or 364,000 pounds.
Me: We are not worthy.
Rex: I'm big boned, what can I say?
Me: Fact or fiction: I heard your heart is as big as Volkswagen and a baby could stand up in your veins. Can you confirm this?
Rex: Yeah, but have you seen the movie Rudy? Now that guy had a big heart.
Me: Yeah, and when they all chant his name at the end I'm all like, Rudy Rudy Rudy!
Rex: Did you cry at the end?
Me: No
Rex: Did you?
Me: I wasn't crying, it was pollen season.
Rex: You blubbering sap.
Me: You are going to use the word "blubbering" with me?
Rex: Touche
Me: So aside from being the biggest animal in the world. You can also produce the loudest noise. Is that how you call up your bitches? You be all like, whoooooorrrrrrrres, and they come swimming, am I right big man?
Rex: HA! You know it buddy! Those ladies are all up on me, Whooooo Whoooooo!
Me: Bangorang! So let's get down to some brass tax. What kind of huge badass animals do you eat? Sharks? Swordfish? Other whales? Do tell.
Rex: Umm..... ughhh... I eat krill.
Me: Whoah that sounds gnarly. Like the word Kill! but with an "r" in there and no exclamation point. What is it? Some sort of 20 armed medusa that breathes fire?
Rex: ....No it's more like a small invertebrate shrimp creature.


Me: ................
Rex: .................
Me: Ahh ha! Had me going there for a second big dawg. Pulled a fast one on the ole PK'man. Vintage Rex! No but seriously.
Rex: .............
Me: Are you kidding?! THE BIGGEST ANIMAL IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD AND YOU EAT TINY TRANSLUCENT SHRIMP?!
Rex: I eat them in large quantities though. I can't eat anything bigger, I'm a baleen whale.
Me: BALEEN WHALE? IS THAT SOME SORT OF AQUATIC TERM MEANING BIG BLUE SUNFLOWER?
Rex: No it is a classification of whale which does not have teeth but instead filters its food.
Me: PERFECT! I THOUGHT I WAS TALKING TO A HUGE MONSTROUS HARDASS AND IT TURNS OUT I'M TALKING TO A GLORIFIED BRITA WATER FILTER! I bet you don't even hook up with lots of foxy whale ladies do you, do you!?
Rex: Well.... I mean dating is hard. Our populations are down, and do you know how many beers it takes to get a 160 ton female whale drunk?
Me: Cry me a river fatass. You've lied to me. Interview's over. Next week I'm getting a real whale. Your name isn't even really Rex is it?
Rex: Noooo, it's Jean. It's a family name.
Me: Unbelievable.
Jean: Does this mean we're not still on for seeing Crank 2?
Me: I dunno think you can filter down some popcorn or would that be too much for you?
Jean: Too harsh.