Michael Jordan, Lance Armstrong, boomerangs, Jesus Christ. What do all these have in common? Their comebacks pale in comparison to the return of yours truly. Aww, are you offended already? Well we all knew Michael Jordan wasn't gonna make it playing baseball so back off, bitch. You missed my tough love didn't you? Quite frankly, I missed you too, and I didn't abandon you. In fact, if you look back at the hardest times in the past 9 months, when you saw only one set of footprints... too far? Don't worry, JC is a reader and he thinks I'm hilarious.
So I guess you want to know where I have been. There have been rumors circulating. Some say I was in the Tibet, teaching the Dalai Lama how to swear. Some thought I was in a Turkish prison for gun smuggling(I just kissed my bicep). Others insist I went on to pursue an ass-modeling career in Italy. All of these are legitimate guesses. And the truth, well, though I am your unquestioned leader and mentor, my shroud of mystery is my essence. So let your imagination run wild. But I know you will think twice next time you see a Calvin Klein boxer brief ad. And you should...
I know what you're thinking. Why now? Why come back after all this time? What left do you have to prove? You wowed audiences worldwide for 6 solid months with your deft prose, whimsical similes, and tales of adventure and wonderment. For the money? No, I have an entire bug jar full of quarters in my room. The fame? Gets old, just leave me be. The ladies? Well the term "multiple BIMFgasm" has been thrown around a bit and blogging is one of the sexiest professions, right behind IRS agent, but no, not that. THEN WHY? I do it for you. No don't look behind you. I mean you. For the people who need to know why Bill is sexy. For those who find all countries inferior to America. For the school teacher in Iowa to the crab Fisherman in Alaska to the cab driver in New York who doesn't even speak English but likes looking at pictures of whales. For the thousands of strangers sea to shining sea who came up to me in the streets and told me that they were hanging by a thread, with nothing to live for, and BIMF delivered them out of the darkness and into the light. That's who I do it for. Totally kidding, I do it for the ladies. Boom Chicka Boom Chicka wowww woww. Excuse me while I take an air guitar solo...
So what to expect? Some of the old favorites will be back including shout-out Tuesdays and the always controversial Whale Wednesdays. I am also going to do a new segment called "The Worst Thing in the World" where I bitch and complain about something mundane that happens to irritate me. Also, I have developed a recent affinity for anteaters, so if that crops up, don't be alarmed. Also, there will be general stories from my everyday life. I also want to get you, the sexy BIMF nation, involved more, so feel free to make suggestions and I will feel free to ignore them if they're stupid cause I'm the fucking boss. Oh and I have an especially fun e-mail that got me into a bit of trouble that I will share with you. But not tonight. You'll have to earn it cause I'm no slut.
As the voice of the BIMF nation I just want to say it's great to have me back. Thanks guys, you're too sweet. Be seeing you soon.
“If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.”
