(That's the unimbomber dumbasses)
So as we know, I consider myself somewhat of a vigilante when it comes to battling corruption in big business. We all remember the harrowing tale of my friends and I being denied drinks that we rightfully won by the dastardly assface bartender Erik. If Teddy Roosevelt(the trustbuster) and Robin Hood(Kevin Costner) were to bang, I would be their offspring. Furthermore, most of you can attest to the fact that there is no more evil, money-grubbing institution than a university. "Hey, look at me, I'm a college professor who doesn't give a fat frog's ass about anything cause I make thousands of dollars from the shitty textbook i wrote 20 years ago and make all my students buy. Oh and they won't be able to sell it back because we changed the picture on the front cover from a tree frog to a fucking giraffe." That was my impression of a teacher. Furthermore, UGA has a fun habit of only providing limited football tickets for their students, so freshman and sophomores only get to attend half of the games. They always seem like they're the shitty games too. Like Central Michigan and the annual field goal competition that is the South Carolina game. Not to mention how this fine institution of knowledge has lost my test scores on numerous occasions, dropped all of my classes because it falsely made me think that I had paid my meal plan, forgotten to include me on the graduation roster, then after graduating try to tell me that my study abroad credit did not count. Needless to say, earlier this year when I could not put money on my bulldog bucks to print things for class, my patience was running thin. Basically, the university decided that instead of putting money on directly like we did in the past, it would be better to give paypal 3 dollars for every transaction. I had had enough, so I thought I would send a little e-mail. It went something like this (see if you can figure out which part was the most offensive):
I wanted to let yall know that I am not a huge fan of your depositing system. I have been working on this for an hour now and I can't find where you go to actually deposit funds. I have read the instructions and there is no deposit hyperlink to click on. I am a senior, and I have never had problems in the past until now. I have been trying to print out my syllabi and class notes for a week now, but your nonsensical system has prevented me from doing so. You have 24 hours to fix this, or I'm going to be forced to take matters into my own hands.
See how I used the word "syllabi." Clearly I mean business if I'm using the proper Latin. Well, apparently some Johnny Pencil Pusher at Bulldog Bucks got all scared I was gonna come in and wreck everyone's shit (which I might have) and reported me. This is the e-mail I received:
Mr. Kimberlin:
I would like to meet with you to discuss an email that you sent to the UGA CARD Services Office. Please contact me at 706-542-1131 to set up a time to meet. This is an official directive and I want to thank you in advance for responding to this email. Please contact me if you have any questions or concerns.
Regards,
Brandon A. Frye, Ph.D.
Assistant Dean of Students
Office of Judicial Programs
University of Georgia
So I've gotten like 30 of these every week since I've been in college. Psssccht, Does it look like I care? (note: it doesn't). So I send this e-mail back:
Oh really Mr. Judicial man? Go fuck yourself. Do you have any idea who the fuck I am? Have you read BIMF? Bring me a turkey sub with extra spicy mustard by tomorrow and we can pretend this never happened...bitch
Okay BIMFites, perhaps I wasn't being real with you just then. Maybe I embellished. I can't lie to yall. Look at those faces. Okay here was the slightly less badass e-mail I sent back:
Mr. Frye,
I think I know the e-mail to which you are referring. To give you some context, I was in the midst of trying to deal with the new bulldog bucks account system, with which I had been struggling for a week straight. My friend and I were having the same problem, and so I jokingly sent that e-mail out of frustration, but in no way was being serious. I was actually just quoting a movie that my friend and I had just recently watched. Also, I didn't actually think that a real person would read my e-mail. I thought it was just going to a big server and that I would just get an auto-response back. I do apologize, I honestly didn't think twice about it, and was just light-heartedly venting my frustrations. However, I can see how now how it may have seemed somewhat alarming. I will know better next time. If you check my records, I have never had any black marks in high school or at UGA. I have never received anything more than a parking ticket as well. I would be more than happy to meet with you at any time of your choosing, and I will call you if I don't get a response to this e-mail. Once again, I'm very sorry for this misunderstanding, and I will choose my words much more carefully next time. Honestly, sometimes at this large university I become inclined to think that when I am trying to deal with administrative things that there is not a person on the other end, but I now know better.
Pretty hardcore still right? I let that guy know who's boss. Well I eventually had to go and meet with this character, and after seeing my large, muscular build and the predisposition for murder in my eyes, he wisely let me off with a pussified warning. He also volunteered to let me have straight A's for the remainder of my senior year, but my voracious love for academics would not allow me to accept. And what did we learn from all of this my children? The moral of the story is that you can pretty much do anything and get away with it. Sweet dreams kids.
