Baguettes in my Face

Shout-outs

2010-09-29T03:40:00.006+02:00

It's been a while since I've given anyone any dap, and quite frankly BIMFites, you have impressed me very little recently. However, in a BIMFite nation of millions, mathematically there have to be a few standouts. You will notice that all of my shout-out recipients are ladies today. This is a symptom of a problem that I have as a famous blogger/sexual icon. Sometimes when a lady is grinding up on me at the clurb, buying me dranks, or asking for a ride in my G6 when it gets back from the shop(broken transpondster), I worry that she may not actually care about what's inside. You see, before I started BIMF, I only had to be suspicious of girls preying on me solely for my good looks and personality, but now I have to discern whether they're only around so they can be seen on the arm of a renowned blogger. So just know this ladies, I'm onto your games. And I refuse to compromise the integrity of my blog by exchanging sexual favors for shout-outs (note: this is entirely untrue). Onto the shout-outs!:

My first shout-out goes to a foxy fellow bulldawg alum and noted hoarder, the incomparable Melanie Cowles. So desperately in pursuit of a shout-out, and knowing that she needed to impress, I told her she simply had to high-five David Deaderick's face. As though shot out of a cannon aimed at BIMF immortality, Melanie flew across the room and put one across the reportedly "precious" Davey Jo's face. It went exactly like this:

It should be noted that Melanie later lost her shout-out by slapping me in the face, and was forced to slap David once again to get back into the +1 column. It should also be noted that I secretly enjoyed being slapped. Rawr!

Next up, someone who has been begging, pleading, throwing all dignity aside for a shout-out since first meeting me. You may know her as Bunny Rabbit or the girl that always has David attached to her face. It's the blonde temptress, from the noted party Mecca of Searcy, Arkansas. It's The Whitney Moffitt. Per my request, she marched up to her good friend at a bar, got in her face, and screamed, "Cathryn, you're a fucking anteater!" Though I would take that as a compliment, Cathryn didn't like it, and their friendship had to be mended at a later date. But as they saying goes, "friends come and go, but getting your name mentioned on a blog is forever... Kinda like a diamond but better." Also, Whitney gets another mini shout-out for doubling back to get something I allegedly forgot on a road trip. But in reality, she was happy to do it because she knew it would gain my approval. So she should really be thanking me. So you're welcome Whitney.

Next comes the sexiest of all sexy shout-outs. A lady whom I know well and have spent a great deal of time inside of, and so have all my friends. We practically go everywhere together. She's black and my parents are fine with it. It's Lucille, my beautiful Chevy Trailblazer.

Soo hot. Well, Lucille recently went over 100,000 miles. She was a little self-conscious about it, but I told her I was proud of her and that she didn't look a trip to the grocery store over 70,000. Props to you Lucille, after all these years you still drive me crazy. Killer pun, Kimbo out.

E-mail

2010-06-21T02:26:00.008+02:00

(That's the unimbomber dumbasses)

So as we know, I consider myself somewhat of a vigilante when it comes to battling corruption in big business. We all remember the harrowing tale of my friends and I being denied drinks that we rightfully won by the dastardly assface bartender Erik. If Teddy Roosevelt(the trustbuster) and Robin Hood(Kevin Costner) were to bang, I would be their offspring. Furthermore, most of you can attest to the fact that there is no more evil, money-grubbing institution than a university. "Hey, look at me, I'm a college professor who doesn't give a fat frog's ass about anything cause I make thousands of dollars from the shitty textbook i wrote 20 years ago and make all my students buy. Oh and they won't be able to sell it back because we changed the picture on the front cover from a tree frog to a fucking giraffe." That was my impression of a teacher. Furthermore, UGA has a fun habit of only providing limited football tickets for their students, so freshman and sophomores only get to attend half of the games. They always seem like they're the shitty games too. Like Central Michigan and the annual field goal competition that is the South Carolina game. Not to mention how this fine institution of knowledge has lost my test scores on numerous occasions, dropped all of my classes because it falsely made me think that I had paid my meal plan, forgotten to include me on the graduation roster, then after graduating try to tell me that my study abroad credit did not count. Needless to say, earlier this year when I could not put money on my bulldog bucks to print things for class, my patience was running thin. Basically, the university decided that instead of putting money on directly like we did in the past, it would be better to give paypal 3 dollars for every transaction. I had had enough, so I thought I would send a little e-mail. It went something like this (see if you can figure out which part was the most offensive):

I wanted to let yall know that I am not a huge fan of your depositing system. I have been working on this for an hour now and I can't find where you go to actually deposit funds. I have read the instructions and there is no deposit hyperlink to click on. I am a senior, and I have never had problems in the past until now. I have been trying to print out my syllabi and class notes for a week now, but your nonsensical system has prevented me from doing so. You have 24 hours to fix this, or I'm going to be forced to take matters into my own hands.

See how I used the word "syllabi." Clearly I mean business if I'm using the proper Latin. Well, apparently some Johnny Pencil Pusher at Bulldog Bucks got all scared I was gonna come in and wreck everyone's shit (which I might have) and reported me. This is the e-mail I received:

Mr. Kimberlin:

I would like to meet with you to discuss an email that you sent to the UGA CARD Services Office. Please contact me at 706-542-1131 to set up a time to meet. This is an official directive and I want to thank you in advance for responding to this email. Please contact me if you have any questions or concerns.

Regards,

Brandon A. Frye, Ph.D.

Assistant Dean of Students

Office of Judicial Programs

University of Georgia

So I've gotten like 30 of these every week since I've been in college. Psssccht, Does it look like I care? (note: it doesn't). So I send this e-mail back:

Oh really Mr. Judicial man? Go fuck yourself. Do you have any idea who the fuck I am? Have you read BIMF? Bring me a turkey sub with extra spicy mustard by tomorrow and we can pretend this never happened...bitch

Okay BIMFites, perhaps I wasn't being real with you just then. Maybe I embellished. I can't lie to yall. Look at those faces. Okay here was the slightly less badass e-mail I sent back:

Mr. Frye,

I think I know the e-mail to which you are referring. To give you some context, I was in the midst of trying to deal with the new bulldog bucks account system, with which I had been struggling for a week straight. My friend and I were having the same problem, and so I jokingly sent that e-mail out of frustration, but in no way was being serious. I was actually just quoting a movie that my friend and I had just recently watched. Also, I didn't actually think that a real person would read my e-mail. I thought it was just going to a big server and that I would just get an auto-response back. I do apologize, I honestly didn't think twice about it, and was just light-heartedly venting my frustrations. However, I can see how now how it may have seemed somewhat alarming. I will know better next time. If you check my records, I have never had any black marks in high school or at UGA. I have never received anything more than a parking ticket as well. I would be more than happy to meet with you at any time of your choosing, and I will call you if I don't get a response to this e-mail. Once again, I'm very sorry for this misunderstanding, and I will choose my words much more carefully next time. Honestly, sometimes at this large university I become inclined to think that when I am trying to deal with administrative things that there is not a person on the other end, but I now know better.

Pretty hardcore still right? I let that guy know who's boss. Well I eventually had to go and meet with this character, and after seeing my large, muscular build and the predisposition for murder in my eyes, he wisely let me off with a pussified warning. He also volunteered to let me have straight A's for the remainder of my senior year, but my voracious love for academics would not allow me to accept. And what did we learn from all of this my children? The moral of the story is that you can pretty much do anything and get away with it. Sweet dreams kids.

The Worst Thing in the World

2010-04-16T08:23:00.002+02:00

So this is my new segment that I'm trying. I often feel the need to vent about certain aspects of everyday life that I find particularly vexing. Are you asking how I can possibly do this segment more than once since there can only be one "worst thing in the world?" Well there's an easy answer to that: It's my blog so go fuck yourself. I'm gonna make this short and sweet, just like my recent love affair with your mother. My first worst thing in the world is the crowded grocery store.

Don't you hate it when you are just trying to go for a leisurely trip to the grocery and the place is just crawling with fucking human beings. It's gross really. And you have to maneuver your cart around people and some of them aren't even paying attention, so you have to be all like,"excuse me" and then you look like a self-important doucher. Then you are trying to pick out a decent avocado but you don't know how to really determine that shit. Should it be green, should it be soft? you start freaking out because you can feel the eyes of nearby shoppers silently passing judgment. Or what about when you go to the deodorant aisle. I usually try to pick from the deodorants with the coolest names(tiger's blood! red thunder! lumberjack!), but let's be honest, to make an informed decision you have to pop the top off and smell it. This is a very intimate moment that should not be witnessed by others, but when that damn grocery is crowded, once again there are people watching...judging. What about the person who gets behind you and you swear they're following you? You take a left turn by the yogurt, then bank hard right toward the tortilla chips, then you start doing moves that you know a sexy blonde Top Gun instructors will eventually deem "reckless," before you ending up sexing her. Before you know it, you've blacked out and woken up in the middle of the tampon aisle gasping for air. Some may call me paranoid, but I prefer to categorize myself as awesomely aware.

It's Back

2010-02-25T05:41:00.006+01:00

Michael Jordan, Lance Armstrong, boomerangs, Jesus Christ. What do all these have in common? Their comebacks pale in comparison to the return of yours truly. Aww, are you offended already? Well we all knew Michael Jordan wasn't gonna make it playing baseball so back off, bitch. You missed my tough love didn't you? Quite frankly, I missed you too, and I didn't abandon you. In fact, if you look back at the hardest times in the past 9 months, when you saw only one set of footprints... too far? Don't worry, JC is a reader and he thinks I'm hilarious.

So I guess you want to know where I have been. There have been rumors circulating. Some say I was in the Tibet, teaching the Dalai Lama how to swear. Some thought I was in a Turkish prison for gun smuggling(I just kissed my bicep). Others insist I went on to pursue an ass-modeling career in Italy. All of these are legitimate guesses. And the truth, well, though I am your unquestioned leader and mentor, my shroud of mystery is my essence. So let your imagination run wild. But I know you will think twice next time you see a Calvin Klein boxer brief ad. And you should...

I know what you're thinking. Why now? Why come back after all this time? What left do you have to prove? You wowed audiences worldwide for 6 solid months with your deft prose, whimsical similes, and tales of adventure and wonderment. For the money? No, I have an entire bug jar full of quarters in my room. The fame? Gets old, just leave me be. The ladies? Well the term "multiple BIMFgasm" has been thrown around a bit and blogging is one of the sexiest professions, right behind IRS agent, but no, not that. THEN WHY? I do it for you. No don't look behind you. I mean you. For the people who need to know why Bill is sexy. For those who find all countries inferior to America. For the school teacher in Iowa to the crab Fisherman in Alaska to the cab driver in New York who doesn't even speak English but likes looking at pictures of whales. For the thousands of strangers sea to shining sea who came up to me in the streets and told me that they were hanging by a thread, with nothing to live for, and BIMF delivered them out of the darkness and into the light. That's who I do it for. Totally kidding, I do it for the ladies. Boom Chicka Boom Chicka wowww woww. Excuse me while I take an air guitar solo...

So what to expect? Some of the old favorites will be back including shout-out Tuesdays and the always controversial Whale Wednesdays. I am also going to do a new segment called "The Worst Thing in the World" where I bitch and complain about something mundane that happens to irritate me. Also, I have developed a recent affinity for anteaters, so if that crops up, don't be alarmed. Also, there will be general stories from my everyday life. I also want to get you, the sexy BIMF nation, involved more, so feel free to make suggestions and I will feel free to ignore them if they're stupid cause I'm the fucking boss. Oh and I have an especially fun e-mail that got me into a bit of trouble that I will share with you. But not tonight. You'll have to earn it cause I'm no slut.

As the voice of the BIMF nation I just want to say it's great to have me back. Thanks guys, you're too sweet. Be seeing you soon.

“If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.”

Return of a Hero

2009-05-18T21:17:00.002+02:00

What's up my largely Caucasian fanbase. Can you Americans feel it in the air? Do the trees seem to be standing a little taller? Do the flowers smell more sweet? Are all the ladies suddenly chock-full of sexual anticipation? Yes that can only mean one thing. Papa Bear's coming back to the states. Touchdown in the land of the Delta Blues will occur at 4:20(when i ironically will be coming down from being high in the sky, LOL!) PM on Thursday. Now, I don't really want to say I expect people to make a big deal about my triumphant return back home. I definitely don't want everyone showing up at the airport(I'm flying Delta) or my house(8650 Center Hill Road, Olive Branch, MS), with tears streaming down their faces and an American Flag to wrap around me. That would probably be excessive. And if you are a hot lady, which I know most of you are, showing up naked would be wildly inappropriate. So just don't, okay? I kind of picture my return being like this:

I don't really know how that applies to me. Am I Shadow in this situation or am I Chance? Because I know Bill is Sassy. Whatever you get what I mean. The point is, just let's not make it a huge deal about my coming back.

All that being said, I have decided to offer a prize to the first person to greet me face-to-face upon my return home. Some of the rules: The winner cannot be my mother or father. That would be lame. I also won't give you the prize if I feel that you haven't specifically come to see me. For instance, the pilot of the airplane I'm on can't just land and walk down the aisle and come claim his prize. That would be cheating. Also, if you happen to be at the airport picking up your Aunt Millie, no dice. This is about me, okay? Finally, one last thing. When you approach me, you must come up to me and say, "Yippee Kai Ay, motherfucka" a la American badass John McLean. You must say this.

This is not optional. If you have problems with profanity, then clearly you don't read my blog. Which makes it a moo point. Like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter.

Whale Wednesday is tomorrow, and it's gonna be good. Oh and I will address the pressing question about the future of BIMF. Stay tuned.

Shout-Outs

2009-05-13T14:17:00.005+02:00

So it seems like I publish the majority of my Shout outs on Wednesday instead of Tuesday, but when you are king of the BIMF nation you pretty much get to do whatever you want. I will admit, I believe my last post took everything out of me, as I immediately went into a sickness spiral right after. But I am a brave king, and will always be on the front lines of blogging for my people. Anyway, here are a few shout outs:

First, I think it's important that I shout out to all the mother's out there. I know, I know, I am usually either insulting or seducing your mothers, but you realize it's all in good fun. I'm a notorious mama's boy, and at age 22 I still get her to make me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. So shout outs to my mom who recently came all the way to Nice, France, to see her baby boy. If it were not for her, BIMF would not be in existence, and I shudder at the thought of that hideous alternate reality. Next, I came across this one man recently who really impressed me, and I felt that he should be put on the warrior board immediately. Just watch the magic:

Not only does he claim to be a gynecologist(hilarious profession), his name is Dr. Bummer, which makes me think his true calling was proctology. Oh, and a lot of people are looking forward to the release of Terminator this weekend, but for me that has been overshadowed by the opening of a somewhat different movie. This one's straight to DVD:

Fuck. Yes. It comes out right before I get back to the states, so I think I might have my parents make an emergency stop at best buy on the way home from the airport so that I can spend some good ole American greenbacks on a quality film.

A Vigilante

2009-05-11T14:23:00.004+02:00

Hello my children. I know you probably feel neglected and cast aside recently, but don't worry. I am here now. I have recently been hit by a dirty whore of a sinus infection, but like Christina, I too am a fighter. One quick point to make about France: the other night Kyle, Paul, and I decided to get a late night snack at McDonald's. This endeavor took 45 metric minutes (60 seconds in a metric minute). On the flipside, Kyle and I just went to go get some antibiotics and nose spray for our shared sinus infection (I think we're going to name him Sarkozy). Anyway, this took about 2 minutes. One of the antibiotics would even have been a prescription back in the states. To sum up, McDonald's in the middle of the night....45 minutes and 10 euros, Prescription drugs during the day....2 minutes and 12 euros, studying abroad in an ass-backwards country....priceless.

Okay, so I need to share a long overdue tale of a party we had a while back. It was for our German friend Florian's birthday, and though we were glad to host a party for our dear friend, we couldn't help but get the feeling that our place had been chosen as the location before we even knew it. I just had an odd feeling about this party. But alas, the show must go on, and before we knew it, all of IPAG had shown up. Our place had been recently cleaned by Miss Jenna McFoxypants, but the guests soon took care of undoing her work. There were more bottles hitting the ground than if Bill were to wear rollerskates in a liquor store. Among the highlights of the evening were an idiot who chose to enter and exit via our window ledge resulting in a broken air conditioner, a girl passed out in our closet, a proposition of bathroom sex, and a visit from the police. All this being said, I think I would have let the night slide and chalk it up to the price of throwing a party. However, in the aftermath of the wreckage, I discovered two things that disturbed me very much. First, I couldn't help but notice my towel had made its way to the bathroom floor. Picking it up, I felt it was wet. Oh, but it was not soaked in water, it was soaked in urine. Some fucking animal thought it would be funny to piss all over my towel. The one that I use to dry myself. I have washed the towel over 7 times since then and I still prefer not to use it. However, what took the cake was not what I found but what I didn't find. I went up to use my computer which had been sitting on my bed and realized my headphones were no longer there. I knew I had them right before, and I have since checked every nook and cranny of our small abode, but they are gone. What kind of jackass comes to a party and steals shit? You are a guest in my home. I let you in. I trusted you to behave like a person but you decided that being a civil guest was not good enough. You had to plunder. This isn't the wild west. There are rules. Codes of conduct. If you had somehow managed to break into my place and Ethan Hunt your way to my headphones, I would have said, "touche to you sir." But this was just cowardly. If any of you know the whereabouts of this fuckhead, I would love to know. I have my suspicions. A few times I have even accused people to gauge their reactions, but I am not convinced of anyone yet. Oh and for class we had to write a poem about something French. I wrote about this villian:

A thief in our midst.
A rogue in the night.
Takes what he wants
Then he takes flight.
He does what he does not for good
He is no modern day Robin Hood.
Comes to my home and drinks my beer.
Then absconds with my means to hear
Springsteen, Spice Girls, Warren Zevon.
I miss you my friends now that you're gone.
Alas, no longer can I hear your melodic tones
Because that dastardly bitch swiped my headphones.

We were all "hey let's go camping, that should be nice" and Corsica was all "Not so fast my friends" and we were like, "Whoah"

2009-05-04T21:33:00.005+02:00

"But the place which you have selected for your camp, though never so rough and grim, begins at once to have its attractions, and becomes a very centre of civilization to you: "Home is home, be it never so homely." ~Henry David Thoreau

Thanks, Henry, I'll take it from here. So here's the Corisca story:
We show up to Corsica at 8 in the evening after a 5 hour ferry ride. We try to buy alcohol, but the grocery closes at 8. We then go to some pizza place and get a pizza and some wine. A 20 minute winding cab ride follows. We arrive at the campgrounds around 9, and apparently the campground owners are gone by that point, and we have no way to rent a tent. We were forced to sleep on the ground all night. I decided to go very primal, and not bring blankets, pillows, or even a jacket to the camping trip. Maybe not the best idea: I was freezing the whole time, as Corsica got into probably the low 40's (Fahrenheit, you commies) at night. Were it not for the body heat of a few of my fellow campers, I may not be blogging today.

I would say I was awakened by the sunrise, however, to be awakened you must first be asleep, something which i did not achieve. Anyway, our fiery, round friend rose over the mountain tops, and I decided it was time to lead a mountain-climbing expedition. The "campground" where we stayed was in a very rural area that was basically just fields that were surrounded by mountains. Some may call them hills, but let's not get caught up with silly words. So five of us decided to set out from base camp(me, paul, phil, stephanie, and katie). The others were worthless and weak, and I now choose not to associate with them. The mountain was basically all brush on our ascent. The climb was sheer, and not for the faint of the heart, but we bushwacked our way up about 2/3 of the way and then traversed across to the ridge where there was less brush. At this point, the girls, decided they could take no more. Being the gentlemen that we all are, we decided their dizziness and dehydration were no reason for us not to summit. So we left them. Turned out to be a good choice because they lived and we heroically reached the time in a classic simul-summit where we all reached the top at once. A huge victory for the boys' team and for mankind in general. Oh, and it was then that I decided to rename the peak Mt. Kimberlinjaro.

We we arrived back at basecamp we were met with the news that the camp does not actually rent out tents. At this point, mother nature being the moody little bitch she is, it had gone from cold to really hot. We spent most of the day trying to nap, stay hydrated, and maintain morale. Nightfall came, and we managed to procure some wine from the camp director. We all drank pretty casually with the exception of one camper, Laura Rockett. Her drunkenness was funny for a few reasons. First, she is Irish and thus validating a stereotype by being the drunkest camper. And second, her last name is Rockett and I'm pretty sure at some point during the night I heard her say, "Houston we have liftoff!" So we all finally went to sleep, this time instead of in the grass we found a rather cramped cement cubby area that's sheltered on three sides. The girls once again took pity on me and let me sleep amongst them(Oh I know I'm good). No but seriously, it was the worst. I couldn't move because it was so cramped and I couldn't stretch out my feet either. On the bright side, through brute force I managed to wrestle away the blankets from my benefactors. We woke up the next morning, called the cab, and made like a bunch of shepherds: we got the flock out of there. Say it out loud, it's funny. We got on the big ferry and had a sleepy trip home.

I would say the general consensus of our trip was that everyone had a very fun and memorable time, but let's never fucking do it again. Kinda like when you fall off your roof putting up Christmas lights and manage to land safely on a bush. We bravely battled the elements, kept in good spirits, and I hardly even fantasized about which camper would be tastiest if that survival situation presented itself(sauteed bill with a side of katie). Good times guys.

(This stupid thing won't let me upload the pictures onto the blog right now but I'll get them later). Here's philosoraptor to hold you over.

Man vs. Corsica

2009-04-30T01:04:00.006+02:00

Hello children. So I realize I am behind on some topics I have promised to discuss. These subjects include but are not limited to: Spain trip recap, the party at our place, a poem I have to write about Paul, and the "Why Bill is sexy" results commentary. I have fallen behind because I have been bogged down by my hectic napping schedule. All in due time though, trust me. However, I thought I would give you a little preview of my upcoming camping trip to the remote and dangerous island of Corsica.

It's going to be pretty much identical to a Man vs. Wild episode, except that instead of doing a backflip off a helicopter and parachuting onto the island, I will be taking a 5 hour ferry ride where I may or may not get seasick. Also, instead of bears, mountain lions, and poisonous snakes there is a certain species of fly which I have read has a taste for ear wax, so that apparently gets annoying. Oh but there are wild boar... but they are notoriously "timid and far smaller than normal wild boar." Oh and instead of reaching freezing cold temperatures where I may be forced to sleep inside a dead animal carcass or dig out a snow cave, it will be a daunting 60 degrees in the evenings. Honestly, the island's French, so figures it would be no challenge for my American survival skills. However, that doesn't mean I still can't do this:

Keep Corsica in your thoughts and prayers.

Shout Outs, Duh

2009-04-29T02:24:00.004+02:00

Hey whores, I know it's Wednesday and not Tuesday, but quite frankly I don't think any of you have really earned my punctuality. I'm going to go ahead and say that I'm pretty underwhelmed by your efforts this past week. I know there's a terrible disease spreading throughout the nation(Spring Fever). I get the MTV News updates. But that shouldn't stop you from being all that you can be. I'm not gonna be there to hold your hand forever, and you guys won't always be able to cruise through life just because you're a BIMFite. Yall are really making it difficult on me this week. None of you losers even had a birthday. Pathetic. I guess I can muster out a few kudos though, but let the record show that it's slim pick'ens this week.

First, noted public fornicator Ryan Smith recently did some impressive man grooming. I can't help but think Zach Matthews had a hand in this.

Next, I would like to give some props to that one guy who held the door open for me when I was coming into the my building the other day. That's how sad this week's shout outs are. Are you all happy with yourselves?

But since all of you look up to me as a father, mentor, sex symbol, cowboy, superhero, future NBA lottery pick, Mario Kart extraordinaire, etc... I feel that it's my duty to help motivate you to do better next week. Kinda like when your kid manages to strike out three times in a tee ball game, and then you accuse your wife of cheating on you because you know there's no way you could have spawned such an uncoordinated, worthless offspring, not to mention the fact he looks half-Hispanic. But then after that you calm down and say something comforting like, "oh you took some good cuts today, son." That's kind of what I'm going to do with yall. I'm going to need the help of Lance on this one though.

You'll all thank me one day.

Whale Wednesday's Triumphant Return

2009-04-22T23:00:00.007+02:00

So the always controversial Whale Wednesday is back despite PETA's best efforts to shut me down. Luckily through my limitless connections I've managed to obtain another whale interview, and I'm very excited about this one. It happens to be with the biggest, baddest mother fucker ever to roam the 7 seas(Why are there 7? That seems like too many. Are they counting the great lakes too cause I don't think those are seas? Someone contact me if you have info about this) . Anyway, this guy is a straight up badass and will rip you apart if you even look at him the wrong way. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PLEASE WELCOME THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, THE THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER, THE BIG CHEESE. THE GRANDADDY OF THEM ALL. REX THE BLUE WHALE!!!! BYAH!

Rex: Whoah, haHA! Thanks for having me Patrick
Me: Pleasures all on this side big guy, thanks for coming. You're looking fucking huge!
Rex: Oh well you know, just doin my thing.
Me: No seriously, do that thing where you jump out of the water. Just do it.
Rex: Oh well I dunno really, it's not that exciting, I mean...okay!

Me: Fucking rad! You are the man Rex! Boof!
Rex: No, Patrick, you da man! Cha Ching!
Me: I'm completely soaked.
Rex: That's what she said. Hey ohhhhhhh!
Me: Bang!
Rex: Kaboom!
Me: Continuing on, how much would you say you weigh, Sexy Rexy? If you don't mind my asking?
Rex: No not at all, Patman. I am 92 feet long and weigh around 182 tons or 364,000 pounds.
Me: We are not worthy.
Rex: I'm big boned, what can I say?
Me: Fact or fiction: I heard your heart is as big as Volkswagen and a baby could stand up in your veins. Can you confirm this?
Rex: Yeah, but have you seen the movie Rudy? Now that guy had a big heart.
Me: Yeah, and when they all chant his name at the end I'm all like, Rudy Rudy Rudy!
Rex: Did you cry at the end?
Me: No
Rex: Did you?
Me: I wasn't crying, it was pollen season.
Rex: You blubbering sap.
Me: You are going to use the word "blubbering" with me?
Rex: Touche
Me: So aside from being the biggest animal in the world. You can also produce the loudest noise. Is that how you call up your bitches? You be all like, whoooooorrrrrrrres, and they come swimming, am I right big man?
Rex: HA! You know it buddy! Those ladies are all up on me, Whooooo Whoooooo!
Me: Bangorang! So let's get down to some brass tax. What kind of huge badass animals do you eat? Sharks? Swordfish? Other whales? Do tell.
Rex: Umm..... ughhh... I eat krill.
Me: Whoah that sounds gnarly. Like the word Kill! but with an "r" in there and no exclamation point. What is it? Some sort of 20 armed medusa that breathes fire?
Rex: ....No it's more like a small invertebrate shrimp creature.

Me: ................
Rex: .................
Me: Ahh ha! Had me going there for a second big dawg. Pulled a fast one on the ole PK'man. Vintage Rex! No but seriously.
Rex: .............
Me: Are you kidding?! THE BIGGEST ANIMAL IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD AND YOU EAT TINY TRANSLUCENT SHRIMP?!
Rex: I eat them in large quantities though. I can't eat anything bigger, I'm a baleen whale.
Me: BALEEN WHALE? IS THAT SOME SORT OF AQUATIC TERM MEANING BIG BLUE SUNFLOWER?
Rex: No it is a classification of whale which does not have teeth but instead filters its food.
Me: PERFECT! I THOUGHT I WAS TALKING TO A HUGE MONSTROUS HARDASS AND IT TURNS OUT I'M TALKING TO A GLORIFIED BRITA WATER FILTER! I bet you don't even hook up with lots of foxy whale ladies do you, do you!?
Rex: Well.... I mean dating is hard. Our populations are down, and do you know how many beers it takes to get a 160 ton female whale drunk?
Me: Cry me a river fatass. You've lied to me. Interview's over. Next week I'm getting a real whale. Your name isn't even really Rex is it?
Rex: Noooo, it's Jean. It's a family name.
Me: Unbelievable.
Jean: Does this mean we're not still on for seeing Crank 2?
Me: I dunno think you can filter down some popcorn or would that be too much for you?
Jean: Too harsh.

Shout Out Tuesday continued...

2009-04-22T22:36:00.002+02:00

Hey guys, don't worry, your fearless leader hasn't lost his marbles. I'm aware it's Wednesday. I must make one addition to the shout outs. I rarely make mistakes(last time was freshman year when I thought buying that pink razr phone would be funny) but when it comes to taking care of my BIMFites I will swallow my pride. I made an error of omission yesterday by forgetting to birthday shout-out a loyal reader and native BIMFrican. She has been studying abroad in Spain this semester and told me that BIMF got her through some of the most trying times of her trip and probably saved her life. I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea. Nonetheless, due to my egregious error I felt she deserved her own shout-out. I am a gracious leader indeed. Anyway, Katie Fredericks turned 21 this week, so buy her a drink if you see her and say it's from me. Belated props K-Fred and if you check in your bag you may find a banana peel from me... too soon?

Tuesday. You know the drill.

2009-04-21T16:01:00.002+02:00

So I'm writing this a little under the weather right now. I think I caught some sort of Spanish disease, maybe something along the lines of what wiped out the Aztecs. However, I'm gonna be like Michael Jordan in the flu game and blog through my sickness. Just be sure to wash your hands after you leave the blog so you don't catch it too. On the bright side though, my voice sounds really sexy:

Okay, shout outs. My first two shout outs go to my fellow bulldawgs and roommates next year. First, I would like to commend Asian sensation Paul Zettler for awesomely crashing his rented bicycle in Mallorca. I enjoy a good bike crash, but it's even better when it's someone you know...unless you have to take them to the hospital, of course, cause let's face it, who wants to take that kind of time out of their day? Next shout out goes to former fatboy and fellow wooly-chested friend Zach Matthews. It's his 21st birthday on Thursday. I regret that I cannot be there to test his drunkenness by firing Harry Potter trivia questions at him. QUICK! WHAT'S DUMBLEDORE'S YOUNGER BROTHER'S NAME? ERGHHHHH! IT'S ABERFORTH YOU DRUNKEN DUMBASS! Then Zach would get angry and try to injure me with a Crucio spell but I would simply disarm him with an expelliarmus charm(we're pretty cool when we go out). Another shout out goes to the girl across the way from me who sang out her window all sunday while doing housework. Nice singing voice+doing household chores=hot. If you read this blog, my mysterious songbird neighbor, please come downstairs and sing for me. And do my laundry. Oh and the whole time I have been writing this Bill has been taking a dump, thus adding to his sexiness. So shout-outs to him.

Remember to vote and come back tomorrow for Whale Wednesday.

Why is Bill Sexy?

2009-04-18T14:41:00.004+02:00

Greetings my cuddly constituents! As you know, I have been romping around Spain for the past week, but don't worry I was thinking of you the entire time. Before I divulge all of the erotic, awe-inspiring details of my trip as well as make some astute cultural observations(here's one: they speak Spanish over there) I want to have a quick post about something that myself and others have been wrestling with recently. First, a back story: Young Billiam has had a few run-ins with a lady in our program. By run-ins I mean he has made out with her in a club as well as had his nether-regions playfully stroked while sitting down on a couch at a party at our place. I was actually having a conversation with him when this was happening. Anyway, recently at a club Bill turned to me and said, "watch this" and then slapped this girl on the ass. She quickly turned around, with an appalled look on her face, and lectured Bill about how that is inappropriate and disrespectful. No, same girl from earlier I promise. Anyway, William calmed her down and she eventually stated that she thinks Bill is sexy, but she doesn't know why. She brings up a very interesting point. Of course Bill is sexy but I couldn't quite put my figure on any one thing. We decided we needed to get to the bottom of this, and amidst all of my futile meditations on the matter, a light bulb eventually went off in my head. "Wait a second" I said aloud "I have the entire BIMF nation at my disposal. I can merely ask them why Bill Steele is so gall-darn sexy!" Then the girl at McDonald's was like, "Do you want ketchup with that?" but too late, I had already gone joyfully sprinting out of there.

Here's what going to happen. I have offered up a few suggestions in the poll below. But this isn't communist France, so I've allowed for an "other" section. If you choose other I would like you to then give in the comments what you think makes Bill sexy. This poll is open to all genders. Recent demographic polls have shown that I have a huge gay fanbase, which I think is absolutely fabulous. Also, this will provide for a wide cross-section of perspectives and ideas. The poll will be on the blog for a week, and I'll have a follow-up post discussing the results. If you notice, you can choose multiple items if one just won't do. If you choose, other, leave your comments below this post. Also, admire how smart I am for figuring out how to create a poll. So guys, tell me, why is there such a long line to ride the Billacoaster?

SB 09' Part Deux

2009-04-10T18:57:00.003+02:00

Well it appears that my study abroad program, IPAG, has decided that it's time for us future leaders of the business world to go on vacation again. I'm kind of confused though, because the 3 hours I spent lounging on the beach in Nice today kind of made me think I was on vacation already. It's kind of like those russian doll things that you keep opening and inside each one there's a smaller one until eventually your head explodes. Russian people are crazy. Anyway, William, Paul, and I will be flying to Barcelona tonight at midnight, hanging in the airport for 6 hours, then going to beautiful Palma de Mallorca, a Spanish island in the Mediterranean. I don't know all that much about Mallorca except that that pirate pants-wearing ass clown tennis player Rafael Nadal is from there. I hear he still lives in his same house with his parents. Get a job and make something of yourself you ragamuffin. On Tuesday, we will go back to Barcelona where we'll stay for a couple of days before heading back on Friday. Once again, all I know about Barcelona has come from a movie, Vicky Christina Barcelona, which I watched on the way over here from the U.S. because I heard Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johannson did some lesbian stuff in it. Not a bad movie actually but didn't live up to the graphic love scene that I had imagined(nothing ever does), but one thing I learned is that Barcelona isn't really Spanish it's Catalan. Apparently the difference is that Catalan people get angry when you have the audacity to accuse them of being Spanish. Hooray for cultural landmines. Kind of like that fuckhead guitar player at the bar who, when I asked if he was British he scoffed and said in the typical nancy british accent, "No I'm English. There's a difference." Yeah, well we fucked you up in the Revolutionary War so I don't have to give a fat frog's ass which queen you sip tea with. I'm becoming so cultured. Anyway, wish me luck as I go to rape and plunder yet another defenseless European country. If I can I will post something while I'm there. Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars BIMFrica.

Humpback Humpday

2009-04-01T14:19:00.004+02:00

Alright, well BIMF is back at full steam and is like a runaway freight train at this point. It's Wednesday which can only mean one thing...whales. We will continue on with our "Better Know a Whale" segment where I sit down and have a face-to-flipper interview with a whale. Today, we have a very famous humpback whale from the financial world. It's the Pacific Life whale, Nathan.

Here is the transcript(translated from Whale to English of course) from our interview.

Me: Nathan very nice to have you today
Nathan: No problem Patrick. Always a pleasure.
Me: So Pacific Life tells me they chose you as a symbol of their company because you embody strength, performance, and protection. So can you tell me, how do you make it in the business world without having even a college diploma?
Nathan: Well, ummm I'm a whale so I don't really have much to do with actual day-to-day operations.
Me: Wait... I thought you were one of the higher-ups in the company. I mean you're in all the commercials.
Nathan: Yes, well I'm more of a symbol than anything.
Me: Like the Pope or George Steinbrenner?
Nathan: I guess.
Me: So what exactly is an "annuity?" I'm gonna be honest, I thought it was the tip you leave your waiter.
Nathan: That's "gratuity."
Me: So what was your childhood like?
Nathan: Pretty normal, I'd say. I was born in warm coastal waters where I nursed from my mom for a few months then set out for colder waters.
Me: Mmmhmmm. And where was your father during all this?
Nathan: I never met him.
Me: That must have been hard.
Nathan: No, that's normal for whales to not meet their fathers.
Me: I agree, chivalry is truly dead.
Nathan: Dear Lord...
Me: So when did you know that you would be so big?
Nathan: When I popped out of my mother, said oh look, i'm a fucking humpback whale.
Me: I see. You look like you've gained a little weight since your earlier commercials. Care to talk about that?
Nathan: A few tons is hardly noticeable.
Me: Do you eat to fill some sort of void in your life?
Nathan: You mean like my apartment-sized stomach?
Me: I just don't see why Oprah gets such a hard time about this and you don't.
Nathan: Perhaps because I'm a fucking whale who eats 1500 pounds of krill every single fucking day. THAT'S ALL WHALES DO IS FLOAT AROUND AND MAKE NOISES AND BE HUGE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Me: Okay well that concludes our interview with Nathan. Riveting stuff. Thanks again Nathan.
Nathan: I'm going to murder you.
Me: Oh please Nathan, everyone knows you are no killer whale. Badump-cha!
Nathan: Swam right into that one... fuck.

Shout outs... I guess

2009-03-31T22:28:00.009+02:00

Tech note: If you notice I am trying to include more pictures in my blog since I know most of you are only partially literate anyway.

Okay sluts, I'm obviously not in a good mood but I'm gonna do shout outs anyway because even though I have very little to live for, I know my blog is all you have too. Okay okay, I know I'm being a little harsh on all you BIMFites today, but Daddy's tired. Anyway, it's been about three weeks since I last doled out the props, and now it's time to blow my congratulatory load all over those who have pleased me the most. First, we will start with a first. Jenna "Gingerbread" McPherson is the first person to receive a second shout out. She earned this prestigious honor by intrepidly hauling her fine ass all the way to Nice for my birthday. She showered me with such gifts as a badass St. Patrick's Day hat, shot necklace, a tuxedo St. Patrick's day shirt, green balloons, a Happy St. Patrick's day Banner, and a huge St. Patty's mug that was the agent of my undoing at my midnight birthday celebration. Not only this, but she cleaned our entire apartment and did our dishes and laundry the entire week. She was a huge hit around Nice and everyone was sad to see her go. The only way she could be more perfect is if her boobs somehow dispensed beer.

Furthermore, I would like to extend a shout-out to my fellow IPAG'er Kristen, a recent out-of-the-closet BIMFosexual. There was no one more excited about my birthday than Kristen and thus, there was no one drunker for a longer period of time than her either. When we got to the beach around 1 she was already raging and this went on until 2 in the evening. No one was more concerned about my b-day welfare than Kristen, and I will be eternally grateful for her shenanigans. Next, as a group shout-out I want to thank everyone for boycotting school on my b-day and heading to the beach. Thanks to Katie as well for the beach desperado. She got me a present which is something my parents have failed to do on a few birthdays. Moving along, I will shout-out to Taylor Robinson back home. Whenever Taylor needs some sage advice she always comes to me. I then always suggests she stay away from drugs, stay in school, and drink her milk. Though she hates milk, she drank a glass the other day for me. Congrats Taylor and enjoy your strong bones. I think that's it for now. Whale Wednesday is tomorrow and I also plan to tell everyone about the unspeakable travesties and lewd acts committed during the party we held at our house. Peace out my little friends.

Later Cal

2009-03-30T22:52:00.004+02:00

Though things are usually kept light-hearted around here, I must address something that is obviously weighing heavily on me and the rest of the Memphis Tiger faithful. With the recent departure of Coach Calipari, this is a dark day in the history of Memphis Tiger basketball. There's not much that I can really say that isn't obvious to the Tiger fans. We have pretty much lost the most important person in the city of Memphis. I guess I would like to thank Coach Cal for reviving our program and providing a lot of good memories for the city and the basketball program. What he has done during his tenure in Memphis has been a great source of joy for very many people, and we will forever be grateful for his service. That being said, I hope Kentucky loses every fucking game they play from now until eternity including once a year when Louisville blows them out by 50 and Rick Pitino celebrates by taking a massive dump at half-court of Rupp arena. I then hope that his dump is lit on fire and their arena burns down, their school goes bankrupt, and their precious shitty bluegrass turns a really gay shade of purple. I hope PETA shuts down the Kentucky Derby, and Colonel Sanders signs a longterm contract with Memphis because we have a lot of "prestige" and "history" when it comes to churning out fat people. If not, then I hope his lardass gets demoted to Private. I hope all wildcats in the world suddenly become docile and tame, thus making the species extinct. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Balls!

Okay, so maybe I'm more bitter than I thought. As usual I'm going to take this recent hand that Lucifer has dealt me, and deal with it like a man... By curling up in a ball in a dark place, wallowing in my own self-pity and body odor, and rocking myself to sleep. Oh and if I make it through the night then shout-outs tomorrow.

SB'09 account

2009-03-22T16:46:00.003+01:00

So after long last, I am ready to really put my nose to the grindstone and share with everyone the recent events of my life and then we can get back into our usual BIMF routine of philosophical debates and solving world hunger. First, my spring break. So Danny, William, and I set off for Amsterdam on Sunday evening. When we got there Danny immediately appointed himself leader, and claimed that he could easily get us to our hostel. He had directions that he had written(in crayon) and so we went marching off to find the hostel. Basically after walking for an hour in the freezing cold Danny led us back to the train station where we first were, and then announced he just wanted to sit down and draw, again in crayon. We finally made it, and were given a long lecture by the guy who checked us in at the hostel. I am not sure what he even lectured us about, but I know there was about a 20 minute period there where he was talking and I was nodding.

Some observations and comments about Amsterdam and the Dutch people.
1. There are bikes everywhere. Everyone rides bikes. And you would think since everyone uses their bike all the time, they would be fairly high quality, modern-looking bikes. Wrong dumbass. Apparently all bicycle production was haulted in the mid 70's and these rusty, hoopty's were all that remained.
2. Everyone speaks English. Though I am more or less fluent in a number of languages(French, Spanish, Body Language, and I can understand ebonics but I don't write or speak it well), English made things a lot easier.
3. Dutch people are giants. It's like Dirk Nowitzki impregnated 20 million women and then sent all the children to live in the same country.
4. Prostitutes. They are hotter than you would expect. I was thinking they would be dirty looking but they really weren't. They all seemed to really like my style too. They would be like waving at me and giving me sexy faces as I walked by their windows. I recently switched deodorants so I think that made the difference. I felt like I was in axe commercial, except with prostitutes.
5. It's fun to walk around the red light district. I think we spent a combined 7 hours just circling around and checking out the 'tutes. By the time it was over I had given them all fake names and personalities. Like Cindy, who was a shy girl-next-door type who was just trying to pay her way through vet school. Or Roxanne, who didn't have to wear that dress tonight, but she does it for love of the game. Also, every man who passes by you in the red light district offers you either cocaine or ecstasy. So in conclusion, red light district-not for the whole family. Which kind of makes me realize that BIMF is like the red light district of the blogosphere since it tends to objectify women and is also like a drug.
6. Coffee shops. They sell marijuana there. Coming fro the U.S., It's uncomfortably legal. It seems like a trap, but it's not.
7. Walking. It's dangerous and you can be hit by any number of moving objects including bikers, cars, buses, trolleys, and other walkers.

A few stories. One morning danny and I woke up early and went downstairs at our hostel for breakfast. Bill, whose metabolism apparently only requires a few pieces of dark chocolate a day to survive, chose to sleep. So the three of us go outside on the balcony to smoke some legal marijuana after. We then decided to head off to see amsterdam. This is when things got strange. On the way out I noticed Bill was walking funny, like his legs had stopped working. He also lost the ability to speak. Probably because this was his first time smoking marijuana. I started getting worried and thought bill might be dying. More importantly, I thought we had gotten poison weed and that I might soon die. Danny assured me that nothing was wrong, he just hadn't eaten. So i helped bill get back to the bed, and danny got food. He was back to normal after like 10 minutes. We later decided that Bill was merely time-traveling.

Another occurrence that affirmed my suspicion that Amsterdam is in some sort of weird alternate dimension happened after we had visited the Heineken Brewery. It was about 5 o'clock as we were getting out, and we had just been thoroughly brainwashed by the folks at Heineken. Danny and I decided that we needed road beers. After much searching, we finally found some Heineken tall boys and of course we decided that we should do a lap around on the red light district before we went back to the hostel. As we stood outside a prostitute window speculating as to the young lady's bust size in front of us, two silly looking policemen came screeching to halt next to us on their bikes. They asked if we were tourists(oh, did my fanny pack and camera give it away?), and explained to us that it is imperative that we throw away our road beers. The prostitute laughed at us. So to sum up, Prostitution and marijuana... no biggie. Road beers... unacceptable.

Finally, one other small event that stuck out in my mind happened during the middle of the day. We had just visited a coffeehouse and were strolling along the canals when we passed by this man coming from the opposite direction. He was well-dressed and looked to be about 45 or 50 and as he approached us he stopped, looked at us and proclaimed in a loud, jolly British accent, "Gentlemen! Slightly Shitty?!" We awkwardly just kept walking. I like to think he is the European counterpart of my esteemed Brit Lit teacher, Dr. Gross.

Oh and what about Prague, you ask? Well we were supposed to go there, but due to some miscommunication and poor leadership we overslept and missed our flight. And after a lengthy debate about sunk costs and Danny having to hold back some frustration tears we decided it was best to just head back to Nice. Quite a failure there, but I would deem our trip an overall success. More posts upcoming. I promise this blog is about to erupt all over everyone's face.

My Bad

2009-03-20T02:38:00.002+01:00

Okay BIMFites, I know you've been chomping at the bit for some new posts, and unlike the mailman on Sundays, I always deliver. I have many things to catch you up on. My trip to Amsterdam, my birthday, whales, white history month, Roburt Sallie, and Nazis are all among the topics I will discuss. All in due time my little ones. As I write to you, it is late in the evening and I am in no shape to give you a full account of my goings on. I will attempt tomorrow. Just hang tight until I can give you some sweet fodder for your spiritual and intellectual fires. One love, kids.

Spring Break '09.... Whoopty Whoop!

2009-03-07T19:07:00.002+01:00

So Spring Break is finally here, and I can't think of anyone more deserving of some time off than yours truly. Afterall, I have had three days of school a week since I started in early February. I even had to write a three page paper the other day. Time to throttle down and bring it back to neutral. My spring break plans include a trip to lovely Amsterdam with two guys in our school who are from Boston and New Jersey, Kyle and Phil. William will of course be tagging along as well as our old Friend Danny "Blackout" Travis. Obviously, Amsterdam was our chosen destination because of its rich history, quaint architecture, myriad of canals, and countless museums. Personally, I can't wait to go to the Rembrandt museum because I find toothpaste fascinating. Other than that I'm not really sure what we will do... Oh well I'm sure we'll think of something(wink-face).

We will be in Amsterdam from sunday night until thursday morning, where we will then fly to Prague. I will be honest, The only thing I really know about Prague is from that one scene in XXX where Vin Diesel has to escape that rooftop assassin so he blinds him with the reflection of a dinner platter, then uses the platter to grind his way down a handrail. Yeah, that took place in Prague. Also, I hear the Czech girls are outrageously hot, and all desperate for an American cowboy to come riding into town and take them back to the states. Obviously, I wouldn't be so brash as to just bring a girl back with me without even knowing if she makes a good sandwich. That would be lust and not love. I will be sure to take plenty of pictures. I'm going to try to put some pictures on the blog tonight, but I always say that so who knows. Stay classy my babies.

Whales are Big

2009-03-06T01:04:00.004+01:00

Many might say that I have an unnatural affinity for whales. I think they are wrong, despite what Shamu's lawyers might "allege." That saucy minx, what harm could one date do? But I digress. That I am the founder and president of the Whales are Big Global Chapter group on facebook is no fluke... Did you get that pun? It's like cause whales' tales are called flukes, you see, and what I did was use fluke as a... nevermind you are all stupid anyway. The point is, I'm starting yet another new segment that will happen on Wednesdays. I was thinking of calling it Whale Wednesdays, but I think I am going with Humpback Humpday. It might be weekly or bi-weekly(everyone experiments in college) depending on how my shuffleboard tryouts go at the Senior Center. It's going to promote whale awareness, and perhaps I will interview a few real live whales and see what really gets their volkswagen-sized hearts racing. Anyway, I hope you don't find it to be a breach of etiquette that I started off my new Wednesday column on a Friday. BREACH.... Do you not fucking get it? Like when whales surface? You are all fucking clueless! You people don't deserve me or my humor!!! Okay, whatever, I'm starting things off with a juicy video that I think sums up what I am trying to do with this new section. I know I've been posting a lot of videos lately, but that's only because I recently learned how to, and chicks think it's hot when I embed them. Is that smile??? I think so. You see, you don't have to be a cold-hearted cyborg all the time.

In The Know: Are Our Children Learning Enough About Whales?

Shout Outs

2009-03-04T03:13:00.010+01:00

Well finally Tuesday has finally arrived, and I know even the starving children of Africa are huddled around their computer screens pressing the refresh button(too far?). Anyway, there's an addiction that has to be fed, and I'm the dealer. However, I don't deal drugs, no no, I deal something far more valuable, far more fulfilling... my approval. Roll them shout outs.

My first shout out goes to Richard Oliver Cromwell Green III. Ollie and I go way back, and I wanted to give him some props on a recent accomplishment he told me about. Unfortunately, last time he spoke and he informed me of his most recent escapades I was in the middle of trying to see how hard I could slap the monkey(euphemism? you be the judge). Thus, I was distracted and only got bits and pieces of his tale of greatness, but I think I can piece it together. Oh yes, okay so Oliver was in the drive-thru at taco bell, and he managed to make out with some hockey player dude in the back seat. He was really hot. Way to go Oliver! Next! Okay I have one for Miss Stephanie Guthrie. You may know her because she likes to wear boots. Apparently, this past Friday she woke up and successfully executed the Friday dance in my honor, which has also become a new ritual of mine.

Amazing Stephanie. Oh and a Shout Out to Paul Wong Zettler for finding that little gem so that I could place it on BIMF. Last, a rare Platinum Shout Out goes to my fuzzy faced friend Ryan Smith. For those of you who don't know, Ryan was caught two weeks ago fornicating in his community hot tub. For some reason, there is some archaic bylaw in his apartment's tenant rules that doesn't allow this, and he was warned not to do it again. Undaunted, he did it again. Now a fine has been levied against him for $625. Apparently they have video evidence of the event (No word yet on the tape's release date). Way to go Ryan, you are a true hero. Please, send donations to Ryan just in case Vivid Video decides he isn't star material. Wouldn't it be touching if the whole community rallied around him, and if suddenly everyone were black and white. What would that be like...... Spoiler Alert!

Roots

2009-03-02T23:17:00.009+01:00

Always in the festive spirit around here, I want to make everyone aware of a celebration that is very near and dear to my heart. Partially because The Artist Formerly Known as Bill and I came up with it and like to celebrate every year. Yes, you guessed it. White History Month. Following close on the heels of our darker skinned brethren, I felt compelled that my people celebrate what has led us to this point. Whether it be a lack of rhythm, love of scarves, or gore-tex, I think it's important to remember who we are and where we come from. I will be doing casual updates concerning certain iconic characters and symbols from white culture. Please feel free to leave comments on anything that you hold particularly near and dear to your creamy colored bosom. I'm gonna start it off with an obvious favorite:

Oh Frasier Crane. You cut right to the core of me. Your odd, upper-class accent, obviously gay brother, and your classy Seattle-based psychiatry radio talk show all radiate whiteness. You really saved me that time I wanted to serve that '82 Chenin Blanc with my Salmon Croquettes. "No, no you insipid ragamuffin. That will indubitably underwhelm the pallet. Try the '79 California Pinot Noir instead." Let me just tell you, best dinner party I have ever thrown. Thanks Frase.

Chapter 3

2009-03-02T22:58:00.002+01:00

So tonight I will wrap up the final chapter in the critically acclaimed Trivia Injustice Scandal. We go tonight for trivia, as usual. Not really too much to tell actually. The five of us sat down and played as usual. Interestingly enough, the free drink question came around again and it was, "How often is Haley's comet visible to the naked eye(is there any sexier kind of eye?) from earth?" My esteemed colleague Kyle promptly responded with the correct answer of 76 days, an answer I'm certain all of my scholarly readers knew. In the midst of our exploding fist pounds over the guarantee of another round of free drinks(maybe) we heard them come on the loudspeaker and say that the question was being changed because the french translator didn't feel like that was a fair question. Oh, so does Haley's comet only fly over America? Maybe it just appreciates free enterprise and good service at restaurants, so I can't say I blame it. So once again we managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. We played it cool this time though. I only have so much protest in me I'm afraid. Long story short, we got our drinks from last time. Jumpin' Jack Flashes. They were red and pretty gay looking. If I had to describe it, I'd say it was like a Shirley Temple that has her eyebrow pierced and puts out on the first date. All in all, I would chalk this experience up as a victory for not just me(well, mostly me) but for the entire BIMF nation. I did this for you. You're welcome. You can just owe me a drink.

Victory!

2009-02-25T22:52:00.000+01:00

Edmund Burke once said, "Justice is itself the great standing policy of civil society; and any eminent departure from it, under any circumstances, lies under the suspicion of being no policy at all."

If you recall a few posts ago I gave an account of the events at a bar, along with my subsequent e-mail to its owners. Everyone was doubting me being like, "What a waste of time Patrick they aren't going to answer you" or "Just give it up, your e-mail won't do anything" or "You can't skate by on your good looks this time, Patrick." Well, I had more faith in society than all of these doubting Thomases. Even in French society. Just today i received a reply e-mail. Here's what it said:
Hi Patrick

Sorry to hear that you have had an issue with one of our staff. Believe me, when I tell you that we take all negative feedback very seriously.

After speaking to the team that worked on Monday night for the quiz, I was informed that they had announced that the winners of the cocktail round to collect there drinks on a number of occasions. After waiting for a length of time, it was decided to give the cocktails to the team that had got closest to the answer, having thought that your team had left which can happen from time to time.

Re: the issue with Erik, I have had a lengthy talk with him, and he is not totally in agreement with your version of the story. At the same time, his handling of the situation could have been, and should have been better, and for this my apologies on behalf of Ma Nolan’s management and team.

Come in this Monday night, ask for me, and I’ve organise your round of cocktails for you (better late than never!!). By the way, this week’s big prize is €120!!!

All the best

Barry Gallagher

That's what Erik gets for tangling with the Diesel as well as for spelling his name with a "K." I would also like to hear how his version of the story differed from my amazingly accurate one. Well at least I have a new friendship out of all of this. I must tell you that this story is eerily similar to another redemption tale you may know. Just replace "30 years in prison" with "a bartender was mean to me," and "regained his freedom to be triumphantly reunited with his best friend" to "got some free drinks." Just think of it that way in the video below.

2009-02-25T22:32:00.000+01:00

Props

2009-02-25T00:28:00.000+01:00

Okay, so it's Tuesday again and my belly is full of delicious lasagna. I've finally been able to cool down from last night's events. I was one hot little potato let me tell you. However, I've recentered my chi and I am again one with the universe. I say all this while I sip wine out of my stolen Ma Nolan's glass. But enough foreplay, let's get down to business. Shouts outs:
A few birthdays this week for some foxy bulldawg ladies. Tomorrow we have the first lady of dankness turning 21, Miss Kelly Rogers. If you happen to see her you should definitely buy her a drink, but unless you throw a pretty tight spiral don't get any ideas. She's doesn't date down in the depth chart. Oh and vegas has even odds on whether or not she will fall down a flight of stairs during her birthday. Obviously they don't know her like I do. Happy Birthday K-dawg. On the 28th one of my top 5 favorite female pole vaulters at UGA will be 21 as well. Triple threat Mamsie Kostka will expertly plant a large tree in your yard, pole vault over it, then kick that tree's ass. She'll look good doing it too. A happy 21st the Mamser.
My final shout goes to my man Yassine Tkouri. He makes the meanest kebob in Nice, and if it weren't for his tasty late night treats I would be lost in a sea of baguettes and pizza with eggs(eggs? no I won't stand for it. Not in my pizza). Thanks Yassine, keep doing what you're doing. Seriously, I live for that a shit. Alright, well I'm gonna try to put some pictures up soon. Maybe even right now. I'll try to even put up some with me wearing clothes, you know to mix things up.

Injustice

2009-02-24T03:00:00.000+01:00

Hey my sexy readers. Tonight I have encountered my first real travesty in France. I knew it would come eventually, but this one hit me hard. Every monday, my co-stars and I go to a bar called Ma Nolans for some trivia(Pub quiz as these queers call it). It's an Irish bar, and the bartenders seem to be especially sassy and unwilling to serve us barrel-chested Americans on a regular basis. Anyways, we played the quiz and there is one question where the winner gets a round of free cocktails. The question concerned the song "Davy Crockett" or something like that. I thought to myself, I know this... Then I did some reasoning. I remembered that in the first Back to the Future Marty McFly walked into the bar and the song playing was "Davy Crockett." Clearly, any idiot who knows about time travel realizes he went back from 1985 to 1955. Thus, the answer was 1955. I tell my quiz mates this, and when the answer comes back correct, we high-five hysterically. Free Drinks! Boof! I'm a genius. We ask our bartender about our drinks and he tells us to wait until the end of the game. Fine then. Later on, we ask for our drinks, and they tell us that our drinks have been taken by others and our name had been called out repeatedly. I speak to the head bartender, and of course he's a fuckin pansy irish bitch who won't have a normal conversation with me and gets all emotional that he is running a micky mouse bar that won't pony up the dough to some knowledgeable americans. He threatens to kick us out of the bar. After this encounter, I immediately grabbed one of their nice glasses, a menu, 20 napkins, and 10 coasters. They're mine, I'm keeping them. I raced home and sent a scathing e-mail to the Ma Nolans organization. Here is my e-mail. Oh and if this doesn't get a response, I'm lighting the place on fire. Enjoy:

Hello,

I am a frequent patron of your establishment, and I have been a fan of your bar until this evening. Though I am hardly a complainer, as I have never sent an e-mail of this kind, I feel compelled to tell you the events of the evening. Tonight, a group of friends and I went to your pub quiz in Old Nice. This is about our fourth visit to your quiz night, and we find it very enjoyable. However, tonight there was a cocktail question where the winning group gets a round of free cocktails. I knew the answer specifically, and answered 1955 as the correct year. They call out the year and the team that answered correctly. It was our team. Shortly thereafter, we asked a bartender if we could get our cocktails, and he told us that we get them at the end of the game. We say okay that's fine. Finally, the end of the round comes, and we ask about our cocktails(which everyone knows we won because of our reaction after the correct answer. Also the bartender we asked about the cocktails knew these were our rightful drinks). We then politely talked to a waitress who retrieved the head bartender. I was sure to be very polite to the head bartender, Erik. I explained the situation to Erik, and he immediately became very defensive. I swear that I was reasonable and nice when giving the explanation, and he told me to "stop wasting his fucking time when asking for free drinks." I then tried to explain further and he told me to shut up. In no way did I say anything insulting, and I told him I was trying to get the situation figured out. Apparently, our names had been called, and we had not heard them. That is clearly our fault and we are sorry. However, this is not my complaint. I just wish the employees had been more approachable and even-keeled. Clearly we were not lying, and I did not think that giving us the four free shots we had rightfully earned would not put a huge dent in the Ma Nolans Balance Sheet. I have never been spoken to by an employee of a respectable establishment in that way, and I felt that this encounter deserved mention to upper management. Thank you for your time, and I hope this gets sorted quickly and efficiently.

Your loyal and concerned patron,
Patrick Kimberlin

Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday

2009-02-18T02:14:00.000+01:00

Hey sluts, it's me. I've been gone a week, and I know you missed me. As I promised, it's shout out tuesday, and I've had a number of BIMFites requesting some sexy props from your man, Captain America. Firstly, I'd like to shout out to my fellow frat star and IFC president Trevor "Yeah I took a fuckin bid" Brightwell. After being elected IFC president, he proclaimed that he felt like Zeus atop Mt. Olympus. Clearly, his bravado and general excessive level of fratitude deserve mentioning. Next, I would like to mention my McLover, Jenna McPherson. She has made arrangements to travel all the way to Europe to visit me for her precious spring break. This deserves a shout out, as does her ability to fill out a sweater during these cold winter months (RAWR!). Also, I would like to thank Mazda for its continued support of Michael Phelps. He won 8 fucking gold medals. As far as I'm concerned, he can go bald eagle hunting and still be the best thing that's happened to America since the Pony Express. I don't know why it takes some slanty-eyed car company to understand this. Finally, I would like to give a shout out to all the single ladies(all the single ladies!) who weathered the storm through Valentine's Day. I know you felt lonely, worthless, and unloved. All these things are clearly true, but at least you have another year to fix this glaring problem in your life. Stay sexy readers.

Shout Outs

2009-02-10T23:40:00.000+01:00

Though I love talking about myself so much that I made a blog about my experiences in France, I also know that without all of my loyal readers, this blog wouldn't exist. Clearly, that's a lie, but you can appreciate the sentiment. Anyway, this blog is my baby, and I want my baby to grow and drink it's milk, so I'm going to create some new segments that will be staples of my blog. First up, Shout Outs. I will be glad to mention anyone's name who somehow does something that I approve of. This could include commenting on one of my posts proclaiming me a comedic genius, not reading bill's blog, falling down a flight of stairs for me to see, chanting U-S-A, telling me you are excited about Crank 2, quoting Star Wars, or being a hot girl. Also, if you have a birthday I will shout you out as well. I'll go ahead and try to do this every Tuesday. Tuesday is Lasagna day, so I can come home in a good spirits and give people the dap they deserve. This week's shout out goes to the guy who cooks the lasagna at that place we go to. It perfectly strikes that delicate cheese/meat balance. Also, I find it has a constant texture throughout, which is important to me. I hate biting into something that has ingredients with drastically different densities. Like when they put fruit in jello. I feel like i'm negotiating land mines. Okay so there's my first shout. Let the games begin.

Black Out

2009-02-09T23:52:00.000+01:00

Something that is immediately apparent about France is that everyone wears black. It's like Henry Ford designed all of the outerwear. I think our more colorful attire tips people off that we are from out of town. We look like the Jamaican Bobsled team walking around in Gotham City.

Oh, I also heard a statistic that there are four times as many auto-related deaths in Europe as in the United States. This is not surprising, since the drivers actively speed up when they see a person crossing the street in front of them. You know in some states in the South how if you run over a deer you are encouraged to load it up and keep it for food or mount on your wall? Yeah, kinda like that here, except in more of a "Most Dangerous Game" kinda way. One upside that counterbalances my constant fear of death is that maybe I will get to be the spectator of a wreck(it's like seeing a unicorn!). In fact, this past weekend bill and I were at this kinda outdoor pizza delivery place and this delivery man leaves and goes tearing off on his scooter. He tried to shoot this gap in traffic and ended up sliding and going down by a light post. He kinda gingerly got up in an I-fucking-hate-my-job kinda way, brushed himself off, and drove off. I admire his dedication to his craft.

Language Barrier

2009-02-08T19:29:00.000+01:00

Quick story: Last night we were out in the downtown area of Nice having beers. We were debating what to do next, and I said, "I dunno the world is our oyster." Bill enthusiastically yells, "Yes, and let's grab that rooster by the balls!" Amazing.

2 AM

2009-02-07T02:01:00.000+01:00

I write to you at 2 AM, so take this post with a grain of salt (or sea salt if you're worried about sodium.) We were supposed to go to Monaco tonight with our fellow classmates, but it was pouring rain still, and we showed up at the meeting point to see that no one was there. We went to a bar, and played it cool. On our way back, Paul noticed the word "cabaret" written above one of the establishments. Bill did a 180 and went back to get a better look. The man at the door told us we could go in for 2 minutes and see what we thought. Sounds good to us. We entered to realize we were the only patrons there and were surrounded by about 15 hot European "dancers." We go to order beers and the tab comes out 90 euros. That's about 120 dollars for you Americans out there. We look at one another. Bill is Jones'in for female companionship and looks to be ready to pay. I am equally lonely, but my loneliness is only surpassed by my unwillingness to spend money. Paul and I bounce, and Bill follows suit. Another day I say, another day.

Rain

2009-02-06T15:03:00.000+01:00

When selecting a study abroad location, one of my foremost concerns was weather. I do not enjoy the dreary, rainy days of January and February back home, so I thought Nice would be a perfect place to escape from my late winter blues. Now, it's not that I didn't expect lots of rain in Nice, cause I did... in da club. Unfortunately it's been raining outside basically nonstop for a week. When I go up to people who live here and i'm like "What the fuck dude, you owe me an explanation" they just start talking about how it never rains like this and the weather is usually so nice and sunny and this is a record amount of rainfall for one winter blah blah blah. I don't want to hear your life story. Just fix it, okay?

Oh, but I still stand by my decision to use my last bit of suitcase space on my stuffed teddy bear Jerome instead of a raincoat. He's old, and who knows if he'll ever get another chance to go to europe.

Genesis

2009-02-05T17:49:00.000+01:00

Sorry for the delay, BIMFites. So I've been here for about 18 days or so, and I have much to report. The first day and night were a struggle. We arrived to a rainy country, and we're picked up by two girls from the school. In France, they do the kiss on the cheek greeting. I was unprepared for this, and when it happened I figured my American charm was already paying dividends... not the case. Sluts.

We spent much of the day slogging through the rain and fighting jet lag. We spent the night in the hostel with some party-animal mexicans. They went out at around the time we fell asleep (8 o'clock). They came back in at around 4, flipped on the lights, and began chattering in some strange language. I think it was Spanish, but I only took three years of it so it's hard to be certain. They chatted loudly for about 30 minutes with the lights on then finally went to sleep. Luckily, one of them set an alarm for about 2 hours later, and it went off intermittently well into the morning. It was a little irritating, but I handled it like any red-blooded american does when a foreign species gets in his way. I killed them.

Leading up to the trip, me, bill and paul(my supporting cast) talked about how crazy we were gonna be and how we were gonna just be partying nonstop. We would then execute an aggressive high-five and bask in our future glories. Yeah well we didn't go out or ingest any sort of alcohol for the entire first week of our trip. Not very frat. Finding a place to live was a real hassle, but we now have a place right across from our school. The location is key, so I can be all, "Oh hey ladies, my place is right over there. Wanna go "study."" You see, but I'm not really talking about studying. J/K. BNR.

2008-12-10T08:31:00.000+01:00

So a few weeks ago I was awoken at the crack of noon to simultaneous door banging and door bell ringing. Buddy was still hungover from the night before(drunken ass), and in no mood to answer the door. His being a dog didn't help either. So I ambled down the stairs and opened the door to see this kind of cop looking guy. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey

Him: Your trash can is out of place

Me: (Rubbing my eyes) Oh

Him: I need to see some ID

Me: What?

Him: I need to see an ID

Me: Fuuuuuck

Unfortunately, my Jason Bourne instincts don't kick in until after breakfast. Had I had all my wits about me, Buddy and I would have made a swift exit of of the pat cave to safety. Unfortunately, I choked and give him my ID. Where is Brock Phifer when you need him? I have him my ID, still not fully aware of what was going on. He then proceeded to write me up. Apparently since my trash can was 10 feet away from where it was supposed to be, I need to pay Athens-Clarke County 60 dollars. I began a 10 minute Pacinoesque soliloquy where I discussed the Declaration of Independence, The Industrial Revolution, and the Cotton Gin which all proved my point of what a crock of shit this was. I think he left somewhere in the middle of it.

So my court date was two days ago, and I decided to go Thoreau on their ass and throw a little civil disobedience their way. I am nothing if not a man of principal, and this was going to be where I make a stand. I wasn't just doing it for me. I was doing it for all the people who have been unjustly strong-armed by the law. I was fighting for the little guy. I was raging against the machine. No way I'm showing up for court. This was my Boston Tea Party! Also, I totally forgot about it. Apparently now I owe 100 dollars and there is a warrant out for my arrest. I plan on taking my citation to the bars and seeing what ladies wanna get with a real American outlaw. And for all the Athens-Clarke county municipal officials who read my blog... Hope Piggy can run.

2008-12-10T08:21:00.000+01:00

Winter Woes

2008-12-05T07:09:00.000+01:00

So what's the deal with winter? I tell you what the deal is. It's a cold bitch. Firstly, all the girls are wearing all this clothing all of the sudden. I think I speak for everyone when I say, WTF winter? If summer is a hot drunken girl, then winter is her ugly fat friend who makes her go home with her at 12 because they made a pact not to hook up with anyone tonight. Also, when girls wear all this clothing, it makes it quite a chore for me to undress them with my eyes. By the time I mentally get the stupid scarf and those sherpa boots off I'm ready for a nap. And it isn't good for the ladies either. How am I supposed to show off the guns? I guess I could wear a vest, but then i'm subject to marty mcfly jokes all day. People say stuff like, "hey you really look like marty mcfly in that vest." God people aren't funny. So ladies, please just humor me. If you must be warm wear a tight turtleneck or something. After all, it's christmas.

France

2008-11-19T06:53:00.000+01:00

So I know everyone will wait with baited breath as I relay my tales from across the pond. For those who don't know, I'm traveling to Nice, France, next semester under the guise of learning. However, those suckers at the study abroad office have no idea that I actually plan on this being a 4 month vacation(joke's on you UGA!)**High Fives Self**. I'm there to study business, but it will be all about pleasure.

To the thousands of ladies who will be reading my blog: Though my words may flow like warm creamy butter onto the page, I must beg you not to fall in love with me just because of my blog. Trust me, I know what it's like. This is exactly how I got that restraining order from JK Rowling(I'd like to see her patronus, am I right???).