Man vs. Corsica

Hello children. So I realize I am behind on some topics I have promised to discuss. These subjects include but are not limited to: Spain trip recap, the party at our place, a poem I have to write about Paul, and the "Why Bill is sexy" results commentary. I have fallen behind because I have been bogged down by my hectic napping schedule. All in due time though, trust me. However, I thought I would give you a little preview of my upcoming camping trip to the remote and dangerous island of Corsica.

It's going to be pretty much identical to a Man vs. Wild episode, except that instead of doing a backflip off a helicopter and parachuting onto the island, I will be taking a 5 hour ferry ride where I may or may not get seasick. Also, instead of bears, mountain lions, and poisonous snakes there is a certain species of fly which I have read has a taste for ear wax, so that apparently gets annoying. Oh but there are wild boar... but they are notoriously "timid and far smaller than normal wild boar." Oh and instead of reaching freezing cold temperatures where I may be forced to sleep inside a dead animal carcass or dig out a snow cave, it will be a daunting 60 degrees in the evenings. Honestly, the island's French, so figures it would be no challenge for my American survival skills. However, that doesn't mean I still can't do this:


Keep Corsica in your thoughts and prayers.

Shout Outs, Duh

Hey whores, I know it's Wednesday and not Tuesday, but quite frankly I don't think any of you have really earned my punctuality. I'm going to go ahead and say that I'm pretty underwhelmed by your efforts this past week. I know there's a terrible disease spreading throughout the nation(Spring Fever). I get the MTV News updates. But that shouldn't stop you from being all that you can be. I'm not gonna be there to hold your hand forever, and you guys won't always be able to cruise through life just because you're a BIMFite. Yall are really making it difficult on me this week. None of you losers even had a birthday. Pathetic. I guess I can muster out a few kudos though, but let the record show that it's slim pick'ens this week.

First, noted public fornicator Ryan Smith recently did some impressive man grooming. I can't help but think Zach Matthews had a hand in this.

Next, I would like to give some props to that one guy who held the door open for me when I was coming into the my building the other day. That's how sad this week's shout outs are. Are you all happy with yourselves?

But since all of you look up to me as a father, mentor, sex symbol, cowboy, superhero, future NBA lottery pick, Mario Kart extraordinaire, etc... I feel that it's my duty to help motivate you to do better next week. Kinda like when your kid manages to strike out three times in a tee ball game, and then you accuse your wife of cheating on you because you know there's no way you could have spawned such an uncoordinated, worthless offspring, not to mention the fact he looks half-Hispanic. But then after that you calm down and say something comforting like, "oh you took some good cuts today, son." That's kind of what I'm going to do with yall. I'm going to need the help of Lance on this one though.


You'll all thank me one day.

Whale Wednesday's Triumphant Return

So the always controversial Whale Wednesday is back despite PETA's best efforts to shut me down. Luckily through my limitless connections I've managed to obtain another whale interview, and I'm very excited about this one. It happens to be with the biggest, baddest mother fucker ever to roam the 7 seas(Why are there 7? That seems like too many. Are they counting the great lakes too cause I don't think those are seas? Someone contact me if you have info about this) . Anyway, this guy is a straight up badass and will rip you apart if you even look at him the wrong way. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PLEASE WELCOME THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, THE THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER, THE BIG CHEESE. THE GRANDADDY OF THEM ALL. REX THE BLUE WHALE!!!! BYAH!


Rex: Whoah, haHA! Thanks for having me Patrick
Me: Pleasures all on this side big guy, thanks for coming. You're looking fucking huge!
Rex: Oh well you know, just doin my thing.
Me: No seriously, do that thing where you jump out of the water. Just do it.
Rex: Oh well I dunno really, it's not that exciting, I mean...okay!

Me: Fucking rad! You are the man Rex! Boof!
Rex: No, Patrick, you da man! Cha Ching!
Me: I'm completely soaked.
Rex: That's what she said. Hey ohhhhhhh!
Me: Bang!
Rex: Kaboom!
Me: Continuing on, how much would you say you weigh, Sexy Rexy? If you don't mind my asking?
Rex: No not at all, Patman. I am 92 feet long and weigh around 182 tons or 364,000 pounds.
Me: We are not worthy.
Rex: I'm big boned, what can I say?
Me: Fact or fiction: I heard your heart is as big as Volkswagen and a baby could stand up in your veins. Can you confirm this?
Rex: Yeah, but have you seen the movie Rudy? Now that guy had a big heart.
Me: Yeah, and when they all chant his name at the end I'm all like, Rudy Rudy Rudy!
Rex: Did you cry at the end?
Me: No
Rex: Did you?
Me: I wasn't crying, it was pollen season.
Rex: You blubbering sap.
Me: You are going to use the word "blubbering" with me?
Rex: Touche
Me: So aside from being the biggest animal in the world. You can also produce the loudest noise. Is that how you call up your bitches? You be all like, whoooooorrrrrrrres, and they come swimming, am I right big man?
Rex: HA! You know it buddy! Those ladies are all up on me, Whooooo Whoooooo!
Me: Bangorang! So let's get down to some brass tax. What kind of huge badass animals do you eat? Sharks? Swordfish? Other whales? Do tell.
Rex: Umm..... ughhh... I eat krill.
Me: Whoah that sounds gnarly. Like the word Kill! but with an "r" in there and no exclamation point. What is it? Some sort of 20 armed medusa that breathes fire?
Rex: ....No it's more like a small invertebrate shrimp creature.


Me: ................
Rex: .................
Me: Ahh ha! Had me going there for a second big dawg. Pulled a fast one on the ole PK'man. Vintage Rex! No but seriously.
Rex: .............
Me: Are you kidding?! THE BIGGEST ANIMAL IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD AND YOU EAT TINY TRANSLUCENT SHRIMP?!
Rex: I eat them in large quantities though. I can't eat anything bigger, I'm a baleen whale.
Me: BALEEN WHALE? IS THAT SOME SORT OF AQUATIC TERM MEANING BIG BLUE SUNFLOWER?
Rex: No it is a classification of whale which does not have teeth but instead filters its food.
Me: PERFECT! I THOUGHT I WAS TALKING TO A HUGE MONSTROUS HARDASS AND IT TURNS OUT I'M TALKING TO A GLORIFIED BRITA WATER FILTER! I bet you don't even hook up with lots of foxy whale ladies do you, do you!?
Rex: Well.... I mean dating is hard. Our populations are down, and do you know how many beers it takes to get a 160 ton female whale drunk?
Me: Cry me a river fatass. You've lied to me. Interview's over. Next week I'm getting a real whale. Your name isn't even really Rex is it?
Rex: Noooo, it's Jean. It's a family name.
Me: Unbelievable.
Jean: Does this mean we're not still on for seeing Crank 2?
Me: I dunno think you can filter down some popcorn or would that be too much for you?
Jean: Too harsh.

Shout Out Tuesday continued...

Hey guys, don't worry, your fearless leader hasn't lost his marbles. I'm aware it's Wednesday. I must make one addition to the shout outs. I rarely make mistakes(last time was freshman year when I thought buying that pink razr phone would be funny) but when it comes to taking care of my BIMFites I will swallow my pride. I made an error of omission yesterday by forgetting to birthday shout-out a loyal reader and native BIMFrican. She has been studying abroad in Spain this semester and told me that BIMF got her through some of the most trying times of her trip and probably saved her life. I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea. Nonetheless, due to my egregious error I felt she deserved her own shout-out. I am a gracious leader indeed. Anyway, Katie Fredericks turned 21 this week, so buy her a drink if you see her and say it's from me. Belated props K-Fred and if you check in your bag you may find a banana peel from me... too soon?

Tuesday. You know the drill.

So I'm writing this a little under the weather right now. I think I caught some sort of Spanish disease, maybe something along the lines of what wiped out the Aztecs. However, I'm gonna be like Michael Jordan in the flu game and blog through my sickness. Just be sure to wash your hands after you leave the blog so you don't catch it too. On the bright side though, my voice sounds really sexy:

Okay, shout outs. My first two shout outs go to my fellow bulldawgs and roommates next year. First, I would like to commend Asian sensation Paul Zettler for awesomely crashing his rented bicycle in Mallorca. I enjoy a good bike crash, but it's even better when it's someone you know...unless you have to take them to the hospital, of course, cause let's face it, who wants to take that kind of time out of their day? Next shout out goes to former fatboy and fellow wooly-chested friend Zach Matthews. It's his 21st birthday on Thursday. I regret that I cannot be there to test his drunkenness by firing Harry Potter trivia questions at him. QUICK! WHAT'S DUMBLEDORE'S YOUNGER BROTHER'S NAME? ERGHHHHH! IT'S ABERFORTH YOU DRUNKEN DUMBASS! Then Zach would get angry and try to injure me with a Crucio spell but I would simply disarm him with an expelliarmus charm(we're pretty cool when we go out). Another shout out goes to the girl across the way from me who sang out her window all sunday while doing housework. Nice singing voice+doing household chores=hot. If you read this blog, my mysterious songbird neighbor, please come downstairs and sing for me. And do my laundry. Oh and the whole time I have been writing this Bill has been taking a dump, thus adding to his sexiness. So shout-outs to him.

Remember to vote and come back tomorrow for Whale Wednesday.

Why is Bill Sexy?

Greetings my cuddly constituents! As you know, I have been romping around Spain for the past week, but don't worry I was thinking of you the entire time. Before I divulge all of the erotic, awe-inspiring details of my trip as well as make some astute cultural observations(here's one: they speak Spanish over there) I want to have a quick post about something that myself and others have been wrestling with recently. First, a back story: Young Billiam has had a few run-ins with a lady in our program. By run-ins I mean he has made out with her in a club as well as had his nether-regions playfully stroked while sitting down on a couch at a party at our place. I was actually having a conversation with him when this was happening. Anyway, recently at a club Bill turned to me and said, "watch this" and then slapped this girl on the ass. She quickly turned around, with an appalled look on her face, and lectured Bill about how that is inappropriate and disrespectful. No, same girl from earlier I promise. Anyway, William calmed her down and she eventually stated that she thinks Bill is sexy, but she doesn't know why. She brings up a very interesting point. Of course Bill is sexy but I couldn't quite put my figure on any one thing. We decided we needed to get to the bottom of this, and amidst all of my futile meditations on the matter, a light bulb eventually went off in my head. "Wait a second" I said aloud "I have the entire BIMF nation at my disposal. I can merely ask them why Bill Steele is so gall-darn sexy!" Then the girl at McDonald's was like, "Do you want ketchup with that?" but too late, I had already gone joyfully sprinting out of there.

Here's what going to happen. I have offered up a few suggestions in the poll below. But this isn't communist France, so I've allowed for an "other" section. If you choose other I would like you to then give in the comments what you think makes Bill sexy. This poll is open to all genders. Recent demographic polls have shown that I have a huge gay fanbase, which I think is absolutely fabulous. Also, this will provide for a wide cross-section of perspectives and ideas. The poll will be on the blog for a week, and I'll have a follow-up post discussing the results. If you notice, you can choose multiple items if one just won't do. If you choose, other, leave your comments below this post. Also, admire how smart I am for figuring out how to create a poll. So guys, tell me, why is there such a long line to ride the Billacoaster?

SB 09' Part Deux

Well it appears that my study abroad program, IPAG, has decided that it's time for us future leaders of the business world to go on vacation again. I'm kind of confused though, because the 3 hours I spent lounging on the beach in Nice today kind of made me think I was on vacation already. It's kind of like those russian doll things that you keep opening and inside each one there's a smaller one until eventually your head explodes. Russian people are crazy. Anyway, William, Paul, and I will be flying to Barcelona tonight at midnight, hanging in the airport for 6 hours, then going to beautiful Palma de Mallorca, a Spanish island in the Mediterranean. I don't know all that much about Mallorca except that that pirate pants-wearing ass clown tennis player Rafael Nadal is from there. I hear he still lives in his same house with his parents. Get a job and make something of yourself you ragamuffin. On Tuesday, we will go back to Barcelona where we'll stay for a couple of days before heading back on Friday. Once again, all I know about Barcelona has come from a movie, Vicky Christina Barcelona, which I watched on the way over here from the U.S. because I heard Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johannson did some lesbian stuff in it. Not a bad movie actually but didn't live up to the graphic love scene that I had imagined(nothing ever does), but one thing I learned is that Barcelona isn't really Spanish it's Catalan. Apparently the difference is that Catalan people get angry when you have the audacity to accuse them of being Spanish. Hooray for cultural landmines. Kind of like that fuckhead guitar player at the bar who, when I asked if he was British he scoffed and said in the typical nancy british accent, "No I'm English. There's a difference." Yeah, well we fucked you up in the Revolutionary War so I don't have to give a fat frog's ass which queen you sip tea with. I'm becoming so cultured. Anyway, wish me luck as I go to rape and plunder yet another defenseless European country. If I can I will post something while I'm there. Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars BIMFrica.

Humpback Humpday

Alright, well BIMF is back at full steam and is like a runaway freight train at this point. It's Wednesday which can only mean one thing...whales. We will continue on with our "Better Know a Whale" segment where I sit down and have a face-to-flipper interview with a whale. Today, we have a very famous humpback whale from the financial world. It's the Pacific Life whale, Nathan.

Here is the transcript(translated from Whale to English of course) from our interview.

Me: Nathan very nice to have you today
Nathan: No problem Patrick. Always a pleasure.
Me: So Pacific Life tells me they chose you as a symbol of their company because you embody strength, performance, and protection. So can you tell me, how do you make it in the business world without having even a college diploma?
Nathan: Well, ummm I'm a whale so I don't really have much to do with actual day-to-day operations.
Me: Wait... I thought you were one of the higher-ups in the company. I mean you're in all the commercials.
Nathan: Yes, well I'm more of a symbol than anything.
Me: Like the Pope or George Steinbrenner?
Nathan: I guess.
Me: So what exactly is an "annuity?" I'm gonna be honest, I thought it was the tip you leave your waiter.
Nathan: That's "gratuity."
Me: So what was your childhood like?
Nathan: Pretty normal, I'd say. I was born in warm coastal waters where I nursed from my mom for a few months then set out for colder waters.
Me: Mmmhmmm. And where was your father during all this?
Nathan: I never met him.
Me: That must have been hard.
Nathan: No, that's normal for whales to not meet their fathers.
Me: I agree, chivalry is truly dead.
Nathan: Dear Lord...
Me: So when did you know that you would be so big?
Nathan: When I popped out of my mother, said oh look, i'm a fucking humpback whale.
Me: I see. You look like you've gained a little weight since your earlier commercials. Care to talk about that?
Nathan: A few tons is hardly noticeable.
Me: Do you eat to fill some sort of void in your life?
Nathan: You mean like my apartment-sized stomach?
Me: I just don't see why Oprah gets such a hard time about this and you don't.
Nathan: Perhaps because I'm a fucking whale who eats 1500 pounds of krill every single fucking day. THAT'S ALL WHALES DO IS FLOAT AROUND AND MAKE NOISES AND BE HUGE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Me: Okay well that concludes our interview with Nathan. Riveting stuff. Thanks again Nathan.
Nathan: I'm going to murder you.
Me: Oh please Nathan, everyone knows you are no killer whale. Badump-cha!
Nathan: Swam right into that one... fuck.