Shout outs... I guess

Tech note: If you notice I am trying to include more pictures in my blog since I know most of you are only partially literate anyway.

Okay sluts, I'm obviously not in a good mood but I'm gonna do shout outs anyway because even though I have very little to live for, I know my blog is all you have too. Okay okay, I know I'm being a little harsh on all you BIMFites today, but Daddy's tired. Anyway, it's been about three weeks since I last doled out the props, and now it's time to blow my congratulatory load all over those who have pleased me the most. First, we will start with a first. Jenna "Gingerbread" McPherson is the first person to receive a second shout out. She earned this prestigious honor by intrepidly hauling her fine ass all the way to Nice for my birthday. She showered me with such gifts as a badass St. Patrick's Day hat, shot necklace, a tuxedo St. Patrick's day shirt, green balloons, a Happy St. Patrick's day Banner, and a huge St. Patty's mug that was the agent of my undoing at my midnight birthday celebration. Not only this, but she cleaned our entire apartment and did our dishes and laundry the entire week. She was a huge hit around Nice and everyone was sad to see her go. The only way she could be more perfect is if her boobs somehow dispensed beer.


Furthermore, I would like to extend a shout-out to my fellow IPAG'er Kristen, a recent out-of-the-closet BIMFosexual. There was no one more excited about my birthday than Kristen and thus, there was no one drunker for a longer period of time than her either. When we got to the beach around 1 she was already raging and this went on until 2 in the evening. No one was more concerned about my b-day welfare than Kristen, and I will be eternally grateful for her shenanigans. Next, as a group shout-out I want to thank everyone for boycotting school on my b-day and heading to the beach. Thanks to Katie as well for the beach desperado. She got me a present which is something my parents have failed to do on a few birthdays. Moving along, I will shout-out to Taylor Robinson back home. Whenever Taylor needs some sage advice she always comes to me. I then always suggests she stay away from drugs, stay in school, and drink her milk. Though she hates milk, she drank a glass the other day for me. Congrats Taylor and enjoy your strong bones. I think that's it for now. Whale Wednesday is tomorrow and I also plan to tell everyone about the unspeakable travesties and lewd acts committed during the party we held at our house. Peace out my little friends.

Later Cal

Though things are usually kept light-hearted around here, I must address something that is obviously weighing heavily on me and the rest of the Memphis Tiger faithful. With the recent departure of Coach Calipari, this is a dark day in the history of Memphis Tiger basketball. There's not much that I can really say that isn't obvious to the Tiger fans. We have pretty much lost the most important person in the city of Memphis. I guess I would like to thank Coach Cal for reviving our program and providing a lot of good memories for the city and the basketball program. What he has done during his tenure in Memphis has been a great source of joy for very many people, and we will forever be grateful for his service. That being said, I hope Kentucky loses every fucking game they play from now until eternity including once a year when Louisville blows them out by 50 and Rick Pitino celebrates by taking a massive dump at half-court of Rupp arena. I then hope that his dump is lit on fire and their arena burns down, their school goes bankrupt, and their precious shitty bluegrass turns a really gay shade of purple. I hope PETA shuts down the Kentucky Derby, and Colonel Sanders signs a longterm contract with Memphis because we have a lot of "prestige" and "history" when it comes to churning out fat people. If not, then I hope his lardass gets demoted to Private. I hope all wildcats in the world suddenly become docile and tame, thus making the species extinct. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Balls!

Okay, so maybe I'm more bitter than I thought. As usual I'm going to take this recent hand that Lucifer has dealt me, and deal with it like a man... By curling up in a ball in a dark place, wallowing in my own self-pity and body odor, and rocking myself to sleep. Oh and if I make it through the night then shout-outs tomorrow.

SB'09 account

So after long last, I am ready to really put my nose to the grindstone and share with everyone the recent events of my life and then we can get back into our usual BIMF routine of philosophical debates and solving world hunger. First, my spring break. So Danny, William, and I set off for Amsterdam on Sunday evening. When we got there Danny immediately appointed himself leader, and claimed that he could easily get us to our hostel. He had directions that he had written(in crayon) and so we went marching off to find the hostel. Basically after walking for an hour in the freezing cold Danny led us back to the train station where we first were, and then announced he just wanted to sit down and draw, again in crayon. We finally made it, and were given a long lecture by the guy who checked us in at the hostel. I am not sure what he even lectured us about, but I know there was about a 20 minute period there where he was talking and I was nodding.

Some observations and comments about Amsterdam and the Dutch people.
1. There are bikes everywhere. Everyone rides bikes. And you would think since everyone uses their bike all the time, they would be fairly high quality, modern-looking bikes. Wrong dumbass. Apparently all bicycle production was haulted in the mid 70's and these rusty, hoopty's were all that remained.
2. Everyone speaks English. Though I am more or less fluent in a number of languages(French, Spanish, Body Language, and I can understand ebonics but I don't write or speak it well), English made things a lot easier.
3. Dutch people are giants. It's like Dirk Nowitzki impregnated 20 million women and then sent all the children to live in the same country.
4. Prostitutes. They are hotter than you would expect. I was thinking they would be dirty looking but they really weren't. They all seemed to really like my style too. They would be like waving at me and giving me sexy faces as I walked by their windows. I recently switched deodorants so I think that made the difference. I felt like I was in axe commercial, except with prostitutes.
5. It's fun to walk around the red light district. I think we spent a combined 7 hours just circling around and checking out the 'tutes. By the time it was over I had given them all fake names and personalities. Like Cindy, who was a shy girl-next-door type who was just trying to pay her way through vet school. Or Roxanne, who didn't have to wear that dress tonight, but she does it for love of the game. Also, every man who passes by you in the red light district offers you either cocaine or ecstasy. So in conclusion, red light district-not for the whole family. Which kind of makes me realize that BIMF is like the red light district of the blogosphere since it tends to objectify women and is also like a drug.
6. Coffee shops. They sell marijuana there. Coming fro the U.S., It's uncomfortably legal. It seems like a trap, but it's not.
7. Walking. It's dangerous and you can be hit by any number of moving objects including bikers, cars, buses, trolleys, and other walkers.

A few stories. One morning danny and I woke up early and went downstairs at our hostel for breakfast. Bill, whose metabolism apparently only requires a few pieces of dark chocolate a day to survive, chose to sleep. So the three of us go outside on the balcony to smoke some legal marijuana after. We then decided to head off to see amsterdam. This is when things got strange. On the way out I noticed Bill was walking funny, like his legs had stopped working. He also lost the ability to speak. Probably because this was his first time smoking marijuana. I started getting worried and thought bill might be dying. More importantly, I thought we had gotten poison weed and that I might soon die. Danny assured me that nothing was wrong, he just hadn't eaten. So i helped bill get back to the bed, and danny got food. He was back to normal after like 10 minutes. We later decided that Bill was merely time-traveling.

Another occurrence that affirmed my suspicion that Amsterdam is in some sort of weird alternate dimension happened after we had visited the Heineken Brewery. It was about 5 o'clock as we were getting out, and we had just been thoroughly brainwashed by the folks at Heineken. Danny and I decided that we needed road beers. After much searching, we finally found some Heineken tall boys and of course we decided that we should do a lap around on the red light district before we went back to the hostel. As we stood outside a prostitute window speculating as to the young lady's bust size in front of us, two silly looking policemen came screeching to halt next to us on their bikes. They asked if we were tourists(oh, did my fanny pack and camera give it away?), and explained to us that it is imperative that we throw away our road beers. The prostitute laughed at us. So to sum up, Prostitution and marijuana... no biggie. Road beers... unacceptable.

Finally, one other small event that stuck out in my mind happened during the middle of the day. We had just visited a coffeehouse and were strolling along the canals when we passed by this man coming from the opposite direction. He was well-dressed and looked to be about 45 or 50 and as he approached us he stopped, looked at us and proclaimed in a loud, jolly British accent, "Gentlemen! Slightly Shitty?!" We awkwardly just kept walking. I like to think he is the European counterpart of my esteemed Brit Lit teacher, Dr. Gross.

Oh and what about Prague, you ask? Well we were supposed to go there, but due to some miscommunication and poor leadership we overslept and missed our flight. And after a lengthy debate about sunk costs and Danny having to hold back some frustration tears we decided it was best to just head back to Nice. Quite a failure there, but I would deem our trip an overall success. More posts upcoming. I promise this blog is about to erupt all over everyone's face.

My Bad

Okay BIMFites, I know you've been chomping at the bit for some new posts, and unlike the mailman on Sundays, I always deliver. I have many things to catch you up on. My trip to Amsterdam, my birthday, whales, white history month, Roburt Sallie, and Nazis are all among the topics I will discuss. All in due time my little ones. As I write to you, it is late in the evening and I am in no shape to give you a full account of my goings on. I will attempt tomorrow. Just hang tight until I can give you some sweet fodder for your spiritual and intellectual fires. One love, kids.

Spring Break '09.... Whoopty Whoop!

So Spring Break is finally here, and I can't think of anyone more deserving of some time off than yours truly. Afterall, I have had three days of school a week since I started in early February. I even had to write a three page paper the other day. Time to throttle down and bring it back to neutral. My spring break plans include a trip to lovely Amsterdam with two guys in our school who are from Boston and New Jersey, Kyle and Phil. William will of course be tagging along as well as our old Friend Danny "Blackout" Travis. Obviously, Amsterdam was our chosen destination because of its rich history, quaint architecture, myriad of canals, and countless museums. Personally, I can't wait to go to the Rembrandt museum because I find toothpaste fascinating. Other than that I'm not really sure what we will do... Oh well I'm sure we'll think of something(wink-face).

We will be in Amsterdam from sunday night until thursday morning, where we will then fly to Prague. I will be honest, The only thing I really know about Prague is from that one scene in XXX where Vin Diesel has to escape that rooftop assassin so he blinds him with the reflection of a dinner platter, then uses the platter to grind his way down a handrail. Yeah, that took place in Prague. Also, I hear the Czech girls are outrageously hot, and all desperate for an American cowboy to come riding into town and take them back to the states. Obviously, I wouldn't be so brash as to just bring a girl back with me without even knowing if she makes a good sandwich. That would be lust and not love. I will be sure to take plenty of pictures. I'm going to try to put some pictures on the blog tonight, but I always say that so who knows. Stay classy my babies.

Whales are Big

Many might say that I have an unnatural affinity for whales. I think they are wrong, despite what Shamu's lawyers might "allege." That saucy minx, what harm could one date do? But I digress. That I am the founder and president of the Whales are Big Global Chapter group on facebook is no fluke... Did you get that pun? It's like cause whales' tales are called flukes, you see, and what I did was use fluke as a... nevermind you are all stupid anyway. The point is, I'm starting yet another new segment that will happen on Wednesdays. I was thinking of calling it Whale Wednesdays, but I think I am going with Humpback Humpday. It might be weekly or bi-weekly(everyone experiments in college) depending on how my shuffleboard tryouts go at the Senior Center. It's going to promote whale awareness, and perhaps I will interview a few real live whales and see what really gets their volkswagen-sized hearts racing. Anyway, I hope you don't find it to be a breach of etiquette that I started off my new Wednesday column on a Friday. BREACH.... Do you not fucking get it? Like when whales surface? You are all fucking clueless! You people don't deserve me or my humor!!! Okay, whatever, I'm starting things off with a juicy video that I think sums up what I am trying to do with this new section. I know I've been posting a lot of videos lately, but that's only because I recently learned how to, and chicks think it's hot when I embed them. Is that smile??? I think so. You see, you don't have to be a cold-hearted cyborg all the time.


In The Know: Are Our Children Learning Enough About Whales?

Shout Outs

Well finally Tuesday has finally arrived, and I know even the starving children of Africa are huddled around their computer screens pressing the refresh button(too far?). Anyway, there's an addiction that has to be fed, and I'm the dealer. However, I don't deal drugs, no no, I deal something far more valuable, far more fulfilling... my approval. Roll them shout outs.

My first shout out goes to Richard Oliver Cromwell Green III. Ollie and I go way back, and I wanted to give him some props on a recent accomplishment he told me about. Unfortunately, last time he spoke and he informed me of his most recent escapades I was in the middle of trying to see how hard I could slap the monkey(euphemism? you be the judge). Thus, I was distracted and only got bits and pieces of his tale of greatness, but I think I can piece it together. Oh yes, okay so Oliver was in the drive-thru at taco bell, and he managed to make out with some hockey player dude in the back seat. He was really hot. Way to go Oliver! Next! Okay I have one for Miss Stephanie Guthrie. You may know her because she likes to wear boots. Apparently, this past Friday she woke up and successfully executed the Friday dance in my honor, which has also become a new ritual of mine.


Amazing Stephanie. Oh and a Shout Out to Paul Wong Zettler for finding that little gem so that I could place it on BIMF. Last, a rare Platinum Shout Out goes to my fuzzy faced friend Ryan Smith. For those of you who don't know, Ryan was caught two weeks ago fornicating in his community hot tub. For some reason, there is some archaic bylaw in his apartment's tenant rules that doesn't allow this, and he was warned not to do it again. Undaunted, he did it again. Now a fine has been levied against him for $625. Apparently they have video evidence of the event (No word yet on the tape's release date). Way to go Ryan, you are a true hero. Please, send donations to Ryan just in case Vivid Video decides he isn't star material. Wouldn't it be touching if the whole community rallied around him, and if suddenly everyone were black and white. What would that be like...... Spoiler Alert!

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Roots

Always in the festive spirit around here, I want to make everyone aware of a celebration that is very near and dear to my heart. Partially because The Artist Formerly Known as Bill and I came up with it and like to celebrate every year. Yes, you guessed it. White History Month. Following close on the heels of our darker skinned brethren, I felt compelled that my people celebrate what has led us to this point. Whether it be a lack of rhythm, love of scarves, or gore-tex, I think it's important to remember who we are and where we come from. I will be doing casual updates concerning certain iconic characters and symbols from white culture. Please feel free to leave comments on anything that you hold particularly near and dear to your creamy colored bosom. I'm gonna start it off with an obvious favorite:

Oh Frasier Crane. You cut right to the core of me. Your odd, upper-class accent, obviously gay brother, and your classy Seattle-based psychiatry radio talk show all radiate whiteness. You really saved me that time I wanted to serve that '82 Chenin Blanc with my Salmon Croquettes. "No, no you insipid ragamuffin. That will indubitably underwhelm the pallet. Try the '79 California Pinot Noir instead." Let me just tell you, best dinner party I have ever thrown. Thanks Frase.

Chapter 3

So tonight I will wrap up the final chapter in the critically acclaimed Trivia Injustice Scandal. We go tonight for trivia, as usual. Not really too much to tell actually. The five of us sat down and played as usual. Interestingly enough, the free drink question came around again and it was, "How often is Haley's comet visible to the naked eye(is there any sexier kind of eye?) from earth?" My esteemed colleague Kyle promptly responded with the correct answer of 76 days, an answer I'm certain all of my scholarly readers knew. In the midst of our exploding fist pounds over the guarantee of another round of free drinks(maybe) we heard them come on the loudspeaker and say that the question was being changed because the french translator didn't feel like that was a fair question. Oh, so does Haley's comet only fly over America? Maybe it just appreciates free enterprise and good service at restaurants, so I can't say I blame it. So once again we managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. We played it cool this time though. I only have so much protest in me I'm afraid. Long story short, we got our drinks from last time. Jumpin' Jack Flashes. They were red and pretty gay looking. If I had to describe it, I'd say it was like a Shirley Temple that has her eyebrow pierced and puts out on the first date. All in all, I would chalk this experience up as a victory for not just me(well, mostly me) but for the entire BIMF nation. I did this for you. You're welcome. You can just owe me a drink.